


Be What You Want, I Can Be What You Want.

by Notacoolgirl



Category: Vis a Vis | Locked In (Spain TV)
Genre: Angst and Drama, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Canon Bisexual Character, Complete, F/F, ForMyK, Lesbian Sex, Messy, Porn with Feelings, Sad, Soft Zulema Zahir, SortaAU, SortaCanonDivergence, Top Macarena Ferreiro, shortstory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-14 13:34:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29668044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Notacoolgirl/pseuds/Notacoolgirl
Summary: " “Be as brave as you claim to be… tell me how you feel” Maca’s whispered plea poisoned the air. Her body was leaning against the door and turned towards Zulema, expecting something that she knew the brunette wouldn’t be able to give her.Maybe some quiet affection, if not real love nor true passion.“Why?” Zulema asked in a low tone.“Because maybe I feel it too” "______________or another Angst Zurena, just because.
Relationships: Macarena Ferreiro/Zulema Zahir
Comments: 88
Kudos: 80





	1. Chapter One.

**Author's Note:**

> DEDICATED TO K. BECAUSE ‘DEPRESSED F*** S****** IS OUR BRAND’AND FOR SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.
> 
> Background music: Daughter- “Perth" v “Ready for the floor" (only available on YouTube, but nice to listen for the ♡vibes♡. 
> 
> Now, I know that I say this at every fic and yet I still keep writting new ones, but this isn't great, for real, you were warned. 
> 
> To the people who read Even When The Sun., I promise I have not forgotten about that one and I will update as soon as I can, I just had to do this one first. 
> 
> read the tags and warnings and leave nice comments if you will. 
> 
> hope you enjoy!

> _Instead of carving up the walls why don’t You open up with talk_
> 
> _Cause we are ready, we are ready for the floor._
> 
> * * *

“Come, let’s dance” Maca invited, drinking her shot of Cuervo and looking at Zulema with expectant eyes.

They were at a night club, celebrating yet another successful robbery. It was Maca’s idea, she sometimes felt locked up inside of their caravan, normally she would just go out by herself, but tonight she had insisted that Zulema should come with her.

“No” Zulema simply answered, not bothering to look at the blonde that was standing by her side. She drank her whiskey and turned around to face the busy club.

The lights kept changing from deep purple to deep blue, the music was good, and the place wasn’t too crowded, _still_ this wasn’t really her scene. It was too much of a forced vibe for her.

Maca watched Zulema with a smirk on her face, the woman looked all around the place and seemed to be set on not enjoying any of what she saw.

She sometimes thought that Zulema was really uptight, _for someone who claimed to be in love with her freedom._

“Fine” Maca nodded and looked away, finding the bartender and motioning to her empty glass as to let him know that she needed another fill.

“Sit here and sulk” Once her drink was set in front of her, she drank it in one gulp, then looked at Zulema and offered a teasing smile.

“ _I’m_ going to dance.” the blonde stated and was soon off to the dance floor, not waiting to see the predictable shrug that Zulema would surely offer.

Zulema finished her drink and ordered a refill, quietly observing as Maca moved through the crowd and soon enough started dancing like she never had a bad day in her life.

She envied the blonde then, envied her freedom and envied how easy it was for her to let herself go. Zulema couldn’t even remember how it felt like to dance and enjoy herself, the weight on her back and the constant feeling of being suffocating by this unknown emotion would never allow her such trivialities nowadays.

“Hey..” she heard a male’s voice coming from her right and she instantly frowned at the unwanted interruption.

“Can I buy you a drink?” She pretended not to listen.

She continued to watch the blonde for a few moments more, and then she raised her drink to her lips and took a hearty sip. Only after that she even bothered to look at the man that stood next to her, wearing an idiotic grin on his face. He was too close for her liking.. definitely not far away to ensure his own safety.

Zulema offered her most condescending smile and tilted her head to the side, raising her almost full glass so that the man could see it clearly, if he hadn’t before.

“I’m Jacob.” The clueless guy introduced himself while Zulema just stared “You looked lonely without your blonde friend, and I think a woman as beautiful as you should never look lonely” he continued, as if he was completely oblivious to the way that Zulema tried to kill him with her eyes alone.

“No” She replied shortly and looked away from the man’s face, knowing that If she watched him for a second longer, she would most definitely hit him just for the fun of it.

“Come on, guapa. Don’t be like that” the man continued, coming closer and fully ignoring Zulema’s obvious lack of interest.

He came so close to her that he was basically whispering in her ear by then “It’s just a drink sweetheart” he tried. His proximity and the way he smelled made chills run up on Zulema’s back. He smelled of fancy cologne and hair gel, everything about him screamed pretty-rich-boy who had never heard the word no.

Zulema looked at him one more time, their faces almost touching because of his obvious lack of knowledge about personal space.

She looked him dead in the eye and answered again “No” and if the deep and malevolent tone of her voice wasn’t warning enough, the way that she straightened her posture and squinted her eyes at the man, surely would get the message across.

He scoffed and his glare burned with venom, as if hearing a refusal two times in a row was the most offensive thing that had ever happened to him.

He turned away and asked the bartender for a drink, but like the true asshole that he was, he had to do one last idiotic thing to keep him from feeling like he just got kicked in the balls by a woman who thought that she was the real shit. So, he downed the drink that the bartender had offered, and before he could leave the woman alone for good, he made the incredible mistake of not recognizing danger when he saw it; he let his left hand find Zulema’s backside and squeezed it, a _nd if that hadn’t been enough_ , he leaned close to her ear and whispered.

“You fucking dyke”

Zulema’s eyebrows shot up in surprise when she felt his hands on her, and when he whispered, with his warm and disgusting breath caressing her skin, she closed her eyes and felt every last bit of accumulated rage rise to the surface.

She looked back at the man, and all that she registered before she had turned him around and had both hands set against the back of his head, was a disgusting smirk and a wink.

And that was what fueled her rage as she proceeded to brutally slam his face against the bar counter, multiple times, over and over, like her next breath depended on either she would be able to destroy his face on that counter or not.

She didn’t think twice, she didn’t see anything or anyone else, everything faded; the blonde, the celebration, the fun that they were supposed to be having, the promise that she had made to not get into trouble tonight. Nothing existed if not for all of the anger that torn her from the inside-out, all of the abuse and injustice, all of the disgusting men who had ever thought that they could own her, and all of the times that women had been helpless against them.

Zulema slammed his face so many times against the counter that her arms started to ache from the effort, and she still didn’t feel like she could stop it.

When she could finally hear things again, she heard the cracking of bones and the desperate pleading of people around.

“You’ll kill him. Stop!” she heard a voice that she didn’t recognize. And only then she was able to stop, only then she was able to see all of the blood and all of the people that had gathered around, too scared to touch her and try to put an end to it, but also too shocked to look away.

She took a few steps back and looked around; she saw dozens of unknown faces looking at her with fear and disgust. She didn’t say anything, she didn’t really move at all for a couple of second. then, when she finally felt that she could, she let her eyes search for the blonde.

She found Maca within a second.

The blonde was standing by the dance floor, already looking at her, with no traces of fear or disgust or disappointment, or any of it in her eyes; there was only something like sorrow and understanding there.

Zulema nodded at Maca and motioned with her head to let her know that they should go.

She started moving through the crowd and a young man grabbed her arm to prevent her from leaving. She looked at his face and shook her head as to warn him that he shouldn’t, it wasn’t worth it. This guy was smarter than the last one, he saw the fire in her eyes and he feared it, he understood the danger and let go of her.

Zulema looked around and she could feel the judgment and hate coming from all of the strangers that surrounded her, they probably saw her as a monster. They weren’t wrong.

“Q.u.é?” she asked, over-pronouncing the words and letting just enough venom slip from her lips to let everyone know that she wasn’t in for apologizing or explaining anything about the scene that she had just created. nor did she intend to stay and talk to any of the authorities, that must’ve been notified and on their way by now.

She could hear the man groaning behind her, she glanced at him and saw that he was completely motionless with his head laying against the bar, in a pool of his own blood, while the bartender was fussing over him to see if he was ok. She couldn’t feel an ounce of pity for the man, not one bit of regret in her.

Before she could flee the scene for good, she reached for the half-filled glass that she had laid atop of the counter before the ‘fight’ and drank the content of it in a hurry, soon letting the glass down with a thud and moving to get away.

Macarena, who had been watching the whole thing with the most attention, started to move through the crowd in order to get out and away from the place as fast as possible.

Zulema was out of the club in one second, thankful that everyone moved out of her path like she had some kind of infectious disease.

Once outside, she stood leaning against their car, taking a few drags from a cigarette while she waited for the blonde. Her hands were slightly trembling, either from the excessive adrenaline that had shot through her body, or simply for the anger that she felt for being there at all, for having listened to the blonde and gotten out of their place, to go ‘have fun in the city’ as the woman had put it.

She knew better, she knew that she couldn’t be at these kinds of scene anymore, not where there were drunk men everywhere, trying to take advantage of every breathing female that they could find. Not in places where she couldn’t keep her anger at bay, at rest.

She knew that, now more than ever, she had too much resentment and too much guilt to endure those kinds of things without having an extreme reaction.

She looked up at the dark sky and took a deep breath in, frowning at all of her violence, and cursing at all of the ways that she had failed before.

Macarena, Saray, Fatima; she saw all of the ways that she had destroyed them and she felt all of the poison that she had injected into their lives.

This was supposed to be a nice night out with Maca, and as she felt tears filling her eyes while she looked up at the sky, she knew that it was ruined.

_Just one more thing that she had ruined for the blonde._

“Que fue eso?” Maca asked, bringing Zulema down to earth again.

Zulema closed her eyes and made the tears go back to where they belonged; hidden inside, where no one could see them. She took a deep breath, and brought her head down to face Maca.

She shrugged and she opened her mouth to speak. Once, twice. But nothing came out. So instead of talking, she turned around, opened the door of their car and got in.

 _Their_ car, because now everything was shared; car, caravan, bed, plans, future, wreckages.

Nothing was only hers, everything was theirs, as if she hadn’t already ruined Maca’s life, she needs to keep interfering with it for as long as she could, apparently. She needed to drag the blonde down to the same gutter that she was in.

‘ _Iguales o nada.’_ It rang through Zulema’s head, and it was all that she could do to not laugh at it. If only the woman knew what she was saying back then, if she had any idea of what it meant to be Zulema’s equal.

She watched the blonde from inside of the car, her eyes accompanying as the woman made her way to the passenger’s door.

She didn’t stop looking even when Maca was inside the vehicle, sitting by her side, meeting her gaze, with that same curiosity that seemed to be so loud within those hazel eyes ever since they stared sharing a home.

“You’re in your head again. Let go” Maca demanded. She couldn’t bear to see the engines turning behind Zulema’s eyes, she couldn’t bear to see the woman drown in bad thoughts again.

She had been seeing too much of it lately, too frequently for her liking, and she decided that tonight she just didn’t want it, not any of it.

The brunette didn’t answer, she didn’t know how to, and thankfully the blonde didn’t seem to need a reply.

They looked at one another, and they could see that there was so much to say, but for the life of them, none could get one word of it out.

Maca didn’t mind the scene that she had just witnessed; she had no curiosity on why it had started, or why it had to be handled the way that it was. She didn’t care at all about the damage that Zulema had left on that man’s face. She felt completely indifferent towards it, had he deserved it or not, she didn’t care. The only thing that bothered her was that _they_ didn’t had the chance to enjoy a nice night that she believed that they deserved.

Zulema cleared her throat and looked away, glaring to the outside and soon spotting the people from the bar, who seemed to have finally decided to come looking for her _._

_The only thing that she has always been able to nurture was her ability to cause trouble everywhere that she went._

She started the car and left the parking lot, hearing the tires sing and seeing smoke arise in her haste to escape.

She hit the road, driving the car fast and carelessly, much like she drove her own life.

It used to make Maca afraid, she used to not like getting in the car when Zulema was the one driving. Now the blonde didn’t seem to mind it, she seemed to actually enjoy it. To Zulema that was just one more exhibition of the effect that she had on the woman’s life, the way that she made Maca reckless and unafraid of even the things that she should feel afraid of.

They were in silence for a long part of the trip, but at some point, the silence seemed to scream so loud that Maca had no other choice but to make it stop.

“You should have danced with me” the blonde said, with a bit of sorrow and a bit of hope in her voice.

Maca looked at Zulema, and she would’ve been able to see from a mile away that the brunette was deeply lost in her own mind.

She watched intently, trying to see through Zulema, like she had so many times before.

And she did.

“I don’t care about it. I rather be at our home anyways” she whispered. Not waiting for a reply and quickly turning back to look out the window.

The whispered words were louder than any shouting that the brunette had ever heard.

“It’s a caravan Maca, not a home” Zulema’s said, betraying what she truly felt.

She knew that if she had let Maca’s words hang in the air for a second longer, it would probably choke them both before the blonde even had the chance to understand the weight of what she said.

Maca leaned against the headrest of her seat and tilted her head a bit, so that she could look at her partner. The brunette glanced at her for a second, but quickly focused on the road again.

Not because driving and not looking at the road was dangerous, but because the blonde’s gaze could do a much better job at killing her.

“But it is” Maca replied with a shrug.

Zulema pretended to not hear and just kept driving in silence for a while.

“If you rather be at the caravan, why be such a puta trying to convince me to go out?” the brunette asked after a couple of minutes. She wasn’t really curious nor did she expect any kind of explanation. She just wanted the air to feel less heavy inside of the car.

“Because, Zulema.” Maca exhaled and shook her head, trying to think of words that would explain it. “You're _difficult_ ” she breathed out in a frustrated but cute manner that made Zulema snicker at her.

“Fuck off” The brunette quickly replied, and they both smiled.

Just the simple and light teasing was already enough to make it feel less like they were choking on invisible smoke, and more like it was just _them_ driving to their place, after Zulema had almost destroyed a man’s face. Nothing new, nothing different, just them.

“And you think that it’s a walk in the park having _you_ as a roommate, do you Rubia?” Zulema fired back, finally allowing her feet to go less heavy on the gas, and her mind to stop racing with unwanted thoughts.

Maca shook her head, even though Zulema couldn’t see it. She reached forward and started the radio, lowering the volume until the sound was nothing but easy-going background music.

“That’s not what I meant” She said, leaning back against the seat again.

Zulema glanced at her for a second and waited for her to continue.

“I meant that it’s been eight years since we met, and I can’t figure you out and just when I think I’m beginning to, you go and do something or say something that throws me completely off track.” Maca answered.

She didn’t mean to make all of the unsupportable feelings, which had just left the space, come back full force around them. But still, that’s exactly what happened, what it would always happen whenever they decided to actually be honest about what they were thinking.

“I thought it would be nice if I got you out of the caravan for a while” Maca tried to undo it, but she couldn’t, the atmosphere has shift back to being grueling and there was nothing that she could do about it.

Zulema exhaled and tried to will away the frown that was automatically set in her face.

“Don’t try to do nice things for me, vale Rubia?” Zulema asked, looking at the blonde and shaking her head “I don’t need nice, ok?”

Maca nodded in agreement but didn’t reply in any other way. The warm night was quickly changing into a freezing wind, and the starry sky was slowly getting covered by dark and charged clouds.

A storm was in the arisen.

“Maybe I just wanted you to feel less alone too?” Maca whispered, she wasn’t sure if she meant it as a question or just a statement.

Zulema looked at her, but the blonde made no moves to look away from the darkening sky.

“Because you make me feel less alone, and I don’t think I make you feel that way too.. I think I make you feel guilty, Zulema.”

Zulema swallowed the lump in her throat and looked away from the woman. She didn’t know how to respond, or what to think about that. All that she knew was that if she could stop the car right there and walk her way home, she would.

“Callate” She warned, and the place was finally still, _for a second of two_ , until the blonde decided to continue on her cruise to make them hurt.

“I look at you and I can see the guilt that you carry, I can _feel_ it” Maca spoke, ignoring the brunette’s warning. “I feel guilty too, for a lot of things. But you make it feel less... cruel” she whispered, and Zulema could swear that she felt her heart sinking right then.

“Why are you saying these things? Que quieres?” The brunette asked without looking away from the road.

“I don’t know, I just think that it’s about time we tell the truth” Maca shrugged.

Zulema felt that the air was slowly leaving her lungs, with no intention of coming back. Her emerald eyes were locked on the road and in the way that the asphalt seemed to be so endless, maybe even infinite. Unlike anything good that has ever happened in her life.

“The truth?” she repeats.

_What even is the truth? What weight does it carry? What bad will it undo?_

“Maybe this is reaching the end.. Maybe we’re doomed, and we need to stop fighting it” Maca finally let it out. She finally grew tired of holding it inside.

They have reached a point where they couldn’t grow any closer without being open to accept one another, fully, completely, with no barriers. But at the same time, being truly honest seemed the closest thing to impossible for them.

They couldn’t continue with the way that things were, it wasn’t fair, to neither one. At least that’s how Maca saw it.

“You want to go?” Zulema asked. Her voice crackled, and her heart stopped for a few seconds. But other than that, she showed no emotion.

“It seems like I have to” Maca answered.

Then the silence was loud, but it was calm and easy. They allowed it to make them whole, they let it fill the space that they couldn’t occupy with the words that needed to be spoken.

Zulema had seen it coming, she couldn’t really say that she was surprised, and she absolutely couldn’t say that she didn’t understand why. Everything had gotten so _complicated_ , so much more real than any of them could’ve foreseen at the beginning.

Things became so different, so... _breakable_.

She knew why the blonde needed to get away, she needed it too.

She would never be strong enough to be the one to let go, but since Maca was the one calling the time of death, she wouldn’t try to defuse it either.

“What are you going to do?” the brunette asked, while trying to keep the heartbreak from being audible through her voice “You don’t have anyone else...” She whispered and hoped that the words didn’t sound as bitter as they tasted.

 _‘And, in parts, I have you to blame for that._ ’ the thought echoed in Maca’s head, but thankfully didn’t make its way out. She doesn’t really believe that by now, it was just an automatic response... to blame others for trauma and guilt that runs too deep and too dense to carry alone.

Maca closed her eyes and took a deep breath, taking-in the cold wind that came from the open window.

“I know" She finally answered, opening her eyes and looking at the asphalt that disappeared under the furious tires “The thing is.. I don’t have _you_ either.” The words flew from Maca’s lips with no regards for either one of them.

Neither knew what to say next, so they once again sat in silence.

Maca glanced at Zulema and watched as the woman tried to keep her attention on driving, tried to act like the words hadn’t hit her ears as hard as they scratched Maca’s throat on their way out.

The blonde leaned against the door and let her arm hang out of the window, allowing it to get frozen by the wind and sprinkled by the calm rain that has just started to fall.

Zulema glanced at her, once, twice. Nothing came of it, out of the hundred thoughts per minutes, the thousands of words that popped into her mind, nothing came of it.

“You can’t say anything.. even now.” Maca quietly said, her eyes still on the road and her arm still dancing against the wind “That’s why I think I should go… You’re too afraid.”

Zulema bit her upper lips, and let out a breathy laugh, one that sounded like hurt and felt like sorrow.

Maca looked at the brunette then, and her hand went on automatic, in search of her skin. Her arm, her neck, her face, anything that would make the woman feel less impenetrable; more human, more reachable.

She saw Zulema grip the steering wheel and sharply breathe in.

She stopped herself just in time, retreating and going for the radio instead.

She exhaled to try and diminish the weight on her chest; she continued to look at the woman who’d been her partner for years now, but could still feel like a complete stranger to her.

Zulema was completely still, perhaps not even breathing, waiting, _hoping maybe_ , for the touch that never came.

“Be as brave as you claim to be… tell me how you feel” Maca’s whispered plea poisoned the air. Her body was leaning against the door and turned towards Zulema, expecting something that she knew the brunette wouldn’t be able to give her.

Maybe some quiet affection, if not real love nor true passion.

“Why?” Zulema asked in a low tone.

“Because maybe I feel it too” Maca replied, not missing a heartbeat.

Zulema looked at her and seemed to search for something that not even herself knew what it was. Perhaps something that would betray Maca's words and reveal the truth; the hate, the disgust, the fierce and heart shattering condemnation towards her. But she didn’t find any of it, she found something much stranger, much scarier and so very unknown to someone like her.

She found sincerity, forgiveness, tenderness.

Zulema even saw something resembling to desire, but not the sexual kind, it ran much deeper than that. It was the kind of desire that she had never seen before, one that made her heart flutter, her palms sweat, and her head go dizzy, _one that made her feel like she had a home._

So she looked away, like she always would, but like she never had to, for she had never before seen someone look at her with so much warmth.

“If its guilt that keeps you from it; let it go” Maca whispered again. She allowed her eyes to move away from the brunette.

The woman was once the one that she hated the most but was now the only one who could make her feel something worth feeling. The only one who could make her feel like she wasn’t broken.

She leaned against the window and she looked up at the lightning that illuminated the sky every few seconds.

The club, the fun, the celebration and the destroyed face of a man, were now completely gone and forgotten, like it had never existed at all. The only thing that remained was them and the road, the same road that they had traveled so many times before, but were now unsure of where it would lead them to.

Maca opened her mouth to speak again, but realized that she didn’t have a lot more to say.

Her hazel eyes were locked in the clouds as she waited for the big storm to hit and take away everything that was untrue.

“Some things are just the way that they were always supposed to be.. and they will end just the way that they were meant to, ever since the very beginning” Maca settled, like it was the most truthful thing about life.

Zulema couldn’t bring herself to move at all, even breathing seemed to be too much of an effort at that moment.

They drove quietly for the rest of the trip, just listening to the music, the wind, and the unspoken words, that would at some point find their way out and wash them clean of all that they carried like an armor.


	2. Chapter Two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is super short because I wrote this without breaks and by the end I didn't know how to divide it, sorry! 
> 
> Background music: ‘Run’ by Daughter.

> _Just two beatings of hearts,_
> 
> _like two drums in the grey._
> 
> * * *

After about twenty minutes of driving, they finally arrived at their destination, _their home._

They couldn’t truly understand what was happening, not even remotely, but they knew that they couldn’t leave the car just yet, not if it meant that they would carry to the caravan all of the tension that they created in the small space.

“Te has olvidado todo lo que te paso por mi culpa?” Zulema was the first to break the silence. She looked at Maca for a second, but the fire in her eyes was so great and overpowering that she had to look away before the blonde could see it.

“Porque yo..” She started, but anger and regret overtook her, so she had to stop and try to keep herself, before continuing.

The emotions that burned in her eyes were the same that she showed when Maca tried to explode her heart, for the freedom that at the end, the blonde realized that she didn’t want it.

“Porque a mi no me olvido in mi puta vida” Zulema spat. A lot of resentment could be heard in her voice, but not one ounce of truth.

Maybe she wouldn’t forget, but she sure did forgive. And that’s what tore at her the most, the forgiveness that only the blonde could evoke from her _, the_ _want_ and almost _need_ to trust the other woman. To believe her, to allow her.. That’s what brought up all the ugly things that she felt. A _nd she knew it_ , though she wouldn’t admit it to save her life.

“No.. I’ll never forget it either” Maca answered “but I have forgiven”

She was aware that she used to blame a lot of things on Zulema, but she didn’t anymore. Their partnership, in and out of prison, had evolved to being equals or nothing. And that meant that everything that Zulema had put her through, she had paid back with the same anger. They had bruised one another with the same intensity, so to not forgive Zulema would mean to not forgive herself, and she grown tired of carrying all of that around like a goddamn corpse weighing on her back.

“You have forgiven me too, you’re just too afraid of what that might mean for you. For us” the atmosphere was so charged that they could feel it, like there was electricity running through the air and making the hairs on their arms stand out.

Zulema bit her lip, and took a few second before replying to the blonde.

“That’s bullshit, Rubia.” She bitterly smiled. “You think it’s all behind you? You think you have ridden yourself of your own guilt?” Zulema frowned at Maca and shook her head.

“You haven’t forgiven yourself, Blondie. If you had, you wouldn’t be here, _not with me_.” And that was the truth by her perspective. If the blonde had any self-appreciation at all, if she had any feeling other than anger and fear about all that she had done and all that she had become over the many years that they spent trapped with the other; Maca would’ve left her, and their lives as partners, a long time ago.

“Is that what you really think?” Maca frowned, not finding Zulema’s eyes that were surely burning holes in her skin. She needed more air, needed something to make it feel less like she was drowning.

She opened the car’s window further down and tilted her head to the side, to feel the air coming through, to be certain that she wasn’t running out of oxygen just by being in the same space as the brunette. The woman who seemed to have no regards, nor any idea, about how much she meant or how hurtful her words could be.

They had been together in two prisons, a little over eight years. Multiple assassination attempts and some very successful assaults too. Also a few major realizations and a couple of selfless acts to help the other. They been through it all. So, to Maca, it was nothing but ludicrous to find that the brunette really thought that she was there for any reason other than _wanting_ to be there.

Zulema nodded her head and pursed her lips “That’s what I know”.

“You’re wrong..” Maca replied, still not looking at the woman. “I’m with you because you’re the only one that managed to stop the constant emptiness that I felt from the moment that I was released, until the exact moment that I went to pick you up eight months later.” Maca closed her eyes and tried to control her emotions. “Not because of guilt, not because of blame or anything else” she shook her head.

“I’m still here because I need you, and I know that you need me too” she whispered.

Zulema didn’t say anything. They didn’t move and they seemed to not even breathe for a while.

“But I can’t be all alone in this, I’m tired of feeling like it’s all in my head when I know… _I know_ that it’s not” Maca looked at Zulema, and in her own eyes there was a powerful fuse of pleading and challenging.

“Joder” Zulema groaned. The cursing was the only thing that her brain provided as an answer to all of that.

Things were just too complicated and real for her at that moment, and she didn’t know what to do with any of it. They went out to let off steam, then suddenly it was about a fight, then Maca calling it quits on their partnership, and now she was asking those question, making those statements like any of it made sense, like being honest with each other was something that they did on a regular basis, not something that they’ve been escaping for years now.

Zulema didn’t know what to do, what was expected of her, what to even think;

Did Maca want to leave? Did she not want to leave? What did all of those words meant? Should she take it at face value or was there some hidden meaning? Did the blonde really expected her to be that honest?. Didn’t the blonde realized by now that she doesn’t do that kind of thing, that she is terrified of _feeling things_?

The questions screamed inside of her brain and spared nothing. She couldn’t hear anything else; she couldn’t speak, and she was sure that she couldn’t breathe either. So, she did the thing that she did best, the thing that she had been doing ever since she was fifteen; she fled.

The brunette was out of the car and had disappeared in the darkness, so fast that Maca didn’t even have the time to react. Not that she would anyhow; she knew that some things were far more difficult for Zulema to accept than they were for her. If the woman needed to walk in the dark woods that surrounded their caravan, so be it. She would be back at some point, she always was. And Maca would be there waiting for her, she always was too... 


	3. Chapter Three.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Background music: ‘Angels’ by The xx.

> _I am learning about you ,_
> 
> _The things that no one else sees._

* * *

It was almost mid-night, rain was pouring without a break for the last hour. Maca sat at the table on the RV, messing with the Polaroid camera that Zulema had so sweetly gifted to her.

The brunette hadn’t returned since she stormed out earlier, but Maca was too busy and lost in memories to be worried about it.

While the storm poured violently outside of the RV, on the inside everything was quiet.

The blonde picked up the first Polaroid that they took together and smiled at it. In her mind the scene was vivid, like it had happened a few hours prior, not seven months ago. She saw it all, how Zulema had seemed to be completely off her game and so uncomfortable after she presented the camera to Maca.

“ _Para que recuerdes que éramos jóvenes, que estábamos buenas.._ _que fuimos libres...” Zulema’s husky voice said, like she needed to explain the thoughtful gift._ Maca indulged in the memory of how quiet that night was, how comfortable and real it had been.

Her only regret of that night was about how coward she’d been, how she’d diminished what they were and what they had to nothing more than something of convenience, something with an expiry date. If only she could go back.

_“Quit.” Zulema warned and Maca looked away from the Polaroid that they had taken._

_She had been looking at it for almost an hour now, and she wasn’t tired of it yet._

_The gift and the photo were the closest thing to caring that Zulema had ever offered to her, and it meant more than she could express. But she knew how out of her comfort zone the whole things had been for the brunette, or at least she could imagine it. so, she let go without making it such a big deal, she downplayed how loud Zulema’s gesture had been, for Zulema’s benefit and for her own as well._

_She set the photo down but kept the camera in her hand._

_“Did you see where my pajamas are?” Maca wondered, since they were clearly getting ready for bed._

_“It's not a pajama.. it's an oversized shirt, that I'm sure I got it for myself... Thieve” Zulema teased, and they softly laughed._

_“You didn’t like that shirt” Maca shrugged with a smile on her face. Zulema looked at the blonde with her eyebrows raised and threw a pillow at her. Maca answered by giving her the middle finger, they both had smiles on their faces._

_Zulema continued fixing the bed and Maca raised the camera to her eyes, looking at the woman through the lens. The shot was lined up and the scene was perfect._

_“I washed it, is probably dry by now.. outside” Zulema answered to Maca’s previous question._

_She was still struggling with the sheets and she looked at the blonde to tell her to either help or stop looking at her like a goddamn perv._

_But Just when she looked up, with a frown on her face and all, the blonde snapped a picture, getting her completely off guard._

_“For fuck’s sake” Zulema cursed “I regret that already” she groaned, referring to the camera._

_Macarena just smiled, taking the Polaroid and shaking it until the image came to live._

_When the photo began to clear, and she could really see it; she felt her breath get stuck in her throat. She now had Zulema frozen in time, with a frown on her face, a slightly torn sweatshirt and everything, looking absolutely pissed while making their bed._

_Maca didn't know much about happiness by then, but that scene looked a lot like it._

_“Por cierto, Rubia… if I wake up with you trying to smother me with your arms one more time... te lo juro” Zulema warned, propping herself up and away from the perfectly made bed. Her expression and voice were serious but the subject itself.. Maca couldn’t help but laugh; for the past week she had woken up with her body laid out on top of Zulema, like the brunette was a big comfy pillow that her body craved during the night. The blonde would always put space between them as soon as she woke up, and Zulema would always pretend to be fast asleep and unaware of the situation, for both of their sakes._

_Maca smiled and shook head “I knew you couldn’t have slept through that”._

_Zulema looked at her with a warning glare but also a slight smirk on her face. It made Maca’s heart feel ten times bigger inside of her chest._

_They both felt something._

_They didn’t say anything else about it._

_Zulema went to brew them some coffee and Maca cleaned the table from the mess that they had left since breakfast._

_To anyone else, that would have seemed to be something completely ordinary or even idiotic to be so struck by. But, to Maca... No, to them... to who they were as individuals and who they were as partners; it was a lot, it said too much. It was proof of how comfortable they were around each other, of how familiar, of how close they had become._

_Maca didn’t take anymore pictures since then, not because she didn’t want to, but because everything that they lived from that day on, all of the earth shattering tension and the countless domestic scenes, all of that crazy, wonderful and beautiful intimacy that they shared, would be engraved to her brain until the day that she died._

The loud sound of the door being pulled open, and a thunder hitting, brought the blonde out of the soothing memories.

She looked up and saw a completely drenched Zulema, hair dripping, and eyelashes stuck together.

The brunette walked inside without saying a word. She stood in front of Maca and stared at the younger woman, while a puddle of water formed around her feet. Maca looked up at Zulema’s eyes and tried to read them like she always did.

Zulema let her glare fall on the item that the blonde had in her hand.

Her green eyes quickly shot up to catch hazel ones again. Both caught in memories of the same night.

“ _Feliz navidad, Rubia.”_

Each on different aspects of it.

_“....Sabemos que tarde o temprano.._ _estallará.”_

Zulema felt the words, and they reached deeper than she ever knew was possible.

They continue to look at one another and they let the memories be just what they were. Nothing but a thing of the past.

“Bueno..” Zulema whispered, and didn’t say anything else.

She looked down at the mess of water that surrounded her, and then she looked around and spotted her towel hanging by the outside of the bathroom door.

She looked back at the blonde but found that she had nothing to say or do, so she moved away and out of sight, entering the bathroom and slamming the door behind her.

Maca was left there as she was before, alone and isolated in the midst of a storm; either it was the natural phenomena that happened outside, or the terrifying one that happened within her, it didn’t matter, they were both equally devastating.

She set the picture down at the table and got up, moving to get some towels to dry up the rain that the brunette had brought with her.

She looked at the closed door of the bathroom while she kneeled on the floor and cleaned up the mess.

Outside the rain seemed to be getting heavier, the thunders were getting louder and the lightnings were coming with more frequency.

She moved the towel until it soaked up everything, and when the floor was finally clean and dry, she felt something break inside of her chest. Her breathing became erratic and her heart pounded with no mercy.

Her vision got blurry and her head started to spin, some tears made their way to the surface, but she didn’t allow herself to let them spill.

_“You want to go?”_ the words sounded over and over inside of her head, she breathed them in and spitted them out. Her lungs claimed for mercy and her heart begged for surrender.

Maca leaned on her hands and let her head hang while she struggled to breathe and tried to accept that what they were now was all that they would ever be. No less, and never more.

While inside the bathroom Zulema cried in silence, with the scalding water burning her skin and her hands gripping the wall for support. She earned for forgiveness and for punishment with the same strength. She cried for who’d she’d been and for who she was, but most of all, she cried for her inability to accept, or even allow, any love that had ever been offered to her.

She let her skin burn to pay for her sins, to diminish the burden and the weight that she carried. She prayed to be rid of it, even if only for a few minutes.

“ _Because maybe I feel it too”_ the words echoed through the small space, mocking her, teasing her, crushing everything. The room was filled with steam and her skin was crying for help, her jaw was locked and her eyes were set against the wall as she made the water even hotter and felt her whole body start to slightly shake as it burned.

She cried out but didn’t move to get away from the deserved punishment. When her legs started trembling from the pain, she slowly went down and kneeled on her floor, crying and heavily breathing.

They broke, and they suffered, _together_ , as they’d been doing for years and years. Only a few meters apart from one another.

As Maca got control of her breathing and rose to her feet, Zulema shut down the water and painfully came to stand.

Maca rinsed her eyes on the kitchen sink and moved to put the dirty towels in a bucket until the morning came and she could wash them. Zulema made her way out of the shower and walked on shaky legs, coming to stop in front of the bathroom sink, and only then realizing that she didn’t brought a change of clothes with her.

They both tiredly exhaled at the same time.

Maca turned and went towards their bed, throwing herself down and putting an arm across her eyes as she listened to the rain outside and calmly tried to regain full control over herself.

She slowly breathed in and out, too afraid to even move.

Zulema dried herself as best as she could and wrapped the towel tightly against her body, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath before opening the door that had kept her safe from the blonde’s presence.

Knowing that she couldn’t wear the drenched outfit and had no other options in the bathroom, she put on her brave face and pulled the door opened, stepping outside and groaning at the cold air that hit her sensitive skin with less care than she would’ve liked.

She took deliberate steps until she was standing by the foot of the bed, where the furniture that kept their clothes was. She tried her best to not bother the blonde, thankful that the woman had her eyes closed and seemed to be completely oblivious to her surroundings.

She slowly pulled open one of the drawers and started to go through it, trying to find something to wear for bed. She had done their laundry yesterday and left them to dry on the clothesline outside. It would’ve been dry by now, had they remembered to pick it up before they left for the club, or before the rain got so heavy.

Zulema growled when all that she could find was the oversized shirt that she had bought it for herself, but that Maca had claimed as her own and wore as a pajama every other night. She glanced back at the blonde and only now noticed that the woman had already changed out of her party-clothes.

Maca was wearing an old flannel shirt and shorts, so she figured it would be ok for her to wear the woman’s ‘pajamas’ for tonight.

She turned to face the drawers again and reached down to get some underwear. She quickly stepped into the black panties and pulled them up with no further effort. She was just about to drop the towel to put on the oversized shirt that she’d picked, when she heard the bed creaking and froze.

The brunette felt a chill run up her spine and felt the easily recognizable weight of the blonde’s gaze falling on her. Her hands gripped the towel with more strength than the soft fabric needed, and her heart skipped a beat at hearing the soft sound of feet hitting the floor.

She felt Macarena’s presence as heavy as she felt the ghosts of her past, luring behind her back and waiting for the right moment to attack her. She raised her chin and looked forward, at the Christmas lights that alternated colors by the wall in front of her. She heard the steps coming closer and she took a deep breath in. then, she felt Macarena’s breath hitting her skin. She wondered if she should turn around, face her, and try to escape. but she found that she couldn’t, her feet were glued to the floor just as her hands were glued to the towel.

She opened her mouth to speak, even though she didn’t know what to say, but was stopped when she felt warm fingers reach the skin on her back. Her eyes widened and her body went rigid. Her hands gripped the towel with such strength that they ached.

The blonde’s fingers danced with such care and subtlety over her skin that she wondered if it was really happening or if it was nothing but a delusion from her touch-starved body, though she knew, not even in her wildest imagination would she be able to imagine something as compelling and desirable as Maca’s touch.

She knew that she should stop this now, she should at least say something, try something, but she couldn’t. It was near impossible to do anything that might interfere with the softest thing that her body has ever felt. So instead of doing anything, she just closed her eyes and allowed herself to memorize the ways in which Maca’s fingers moved.

Maca let her eyes roam the red skin on the brunette’s body and let her fingers dance over it.

She had always been fascinated by the way that Zulema’s skin betrayed everything about her personality; it was soft and delicate, it was inviting and alluring.

Maca’s eyes alternated between looking at the back of Zulema’s head and the skin that was so smooth beneath her digits.

“What is this?” She wondered, referring to the bruises and redness on the woman’s back .

Zulema didn’t answer, the only thing that she offered was a deep sigh. Maca understood that the woman was trying to pretend that this wasn’t happening, it wasn’t real.

“Do you want me to stop touching you?” Maca asked. Her voice was the smallest whisper, but they still made goosebumps appear all over Zulema’s body.

She really wanted to look at the brunette’s face, to ask questions, to hear her answering them. But she settled for the silent permission that the woman was offering.

Her heart was beating wildly inside of her chest, and her hands moved in with care and even a bit of fear. She was just as lost as the brunette when it came to them and how far they could go. She was just a little braver, less petrified.

She moved her face closer, and without thinking about it, she let her lips close over the brunette’s back, looking at the woman for a reaction, anything that showed her that she was crossing a line that Zulema didn’t want her to cross. She saw nothing of that, the only thing that could be perceived was the way that the brunette trembled under her touch, under her lips.

She let one of her hands travel to Zulema’s shoulder, to her collarbones, to her neck. She let it run up to the woman’s jaw, then her face, and finally, her fingertips reached and traced Zulema’s lips.

With her other hand she searched for Zulema’s waist and just let it rest against her.

The brunette’s breathing was quickly picking up, while Maca’s hands moved as if they belonged against her skin, like the blonde knew just how to touch and did it with just the right amount pressure.

Maca’s lips found Zulema’s neck and laid out a few sweet and fleeting kisses there, with the upmost passion and desire. And as a reward, she heard the reluctant, but wonderful hushed moan that escaped from the older woman.

Maca stopped tracing Zulema’s lips and used her fingers to lead the woman to turn her face, just enough to allow their lips to meet. Zulema didn’t even pretend to not be eager about it. She didn’t try to act like her body wasn’t lighting up all over or that her lips weren't aching to meet Maca’s.

And with their faces inches from touching, Zulema with her eyes closed and her chest heaving with desire, anticipation and fear, it could be seen perfectly, both could feel the incredible weight of what they were about to do. And they did it just the same, with no ceremony or any shame, with no more pretending, _they kissed the other_ , with soft kisses, with evading and demanding lips.

Zulema moaned into their kiss, she didn’t want to keep her voice locked inside of her chest anymore. That kiss was setting fire to everything inside of her; it was all that she had ever feared because it was all that she had ever wanted.

To be desired, truly, by someone who knew her, knew what she’d done, where she’d been, how low she could, someone who saw her for what she was, and still, maybe in spite of it, or maybe even because of it, wanted her, completely, without shame.

Though she knew; to feel desired and even loved by someone like Maca, was as sweet as it was bitter, it was like she was finally, wholly, corrupting a fallen angel. One that she had made it her mission to degrade from the very first day.

Maca let her free hand go up from Zulema’s waist as they frantically kissed, and went in search of the brunette’s hands, the ones that were still tightly holding onto the white towel. She took one of them and lead it away from the soaked fabric, taking it down to rest by her sides, and then repeated the same process with the other, until the towel was no longer being kept in place by an extremely strong grip.

She still couldn’t believe that the woman was really allowing her to do this, that she was surrendering in such a calm and complying way, it almost made her wonder if this wasn’t one really vivid dream.

As their lips crashed against the other, and her own body started to pulse with desire, she knew that she didn’t care, even if it was just a dream, she would enjoy it as if it was the last time that she enjoyed anything in her life.

One hand moved back up and the other moved down, both meeting in the middle, where they could reach for the towel wrapped around her partner’s body. She undid the knot keeping the thing together, and she twisted the fabric around both hands. She didn’t pull it down right away, she wanted to give them time, allow them to be prepared for it.

Their breathing was heavy and it created an invisible fog around the RV, their hearts raced with the same intensity and their bodies seemed to come alive after years of numbness.

They were attacking the other’s lips by then. Maca was desperate to feel Zulema, and Zulema was desperate for Maca’s touch; her body was burning up from the inside-out and in between her legs there was a pulsing and anticipation, a crazy kind of need, that she had never felt before and had no idea on how to stop it, how to make it less ferocious than it was.

The brunette couldn’t help it, she pushed her hips back against Maca and moaned into her mouth again when the blonde matched her move by pushing her hips forwards. Their bodies swayed together and the desire kept on building

Maca finally, at last, pulled the fabric apart and revealed Zulema’s body. She disconnected their lips and tilted her head back just far enough to allow her to look into the brunette’s green eyes, that were gleaming with ardor and expectation.

She let the fabric fall to the floor and it seemed to go down in slow motion.

Zulema sharply breathed in and the atmosphere got heavier, everything became more real, more important.

Maca’s eyes were glued to Zulema’s face. Her hands started to travel on Zulema’s body, this time she could touch without barriers. She found her breasts and let her fingertips glide through it, softly, but with enough greed to make the brunette feel herself dripping against the underwear that she had just put on.

Zulema momentarily thought about reaching down for the towel, pushing the blonde away and covering herself again, but she was almost physically incapacitated to. The way that her body craved sex with such power and such strong demand made her paralyzed to do anything that would interrupt this moment.

Everything vibrated with tension and desire, goosebumps rose at every inch of skin that the blonde touched, it all felt too good to be even remotely wrong.

Being naked in front of the younger woman, being surrounded by her body, traced by her hands and kissed by her lips, it felt a lot like liberty.. It felt a lot like home.

Maca connected their lips again and Zulema tried to keep herself from moaning into her mouth. The blonde’s hands were so delicately dancing through her torso that she wanted to scream or cry or _anything_ that would make it feel less maddening. She shivered while those slender fingers traced her stomach, her hips bones, then up, to her ribs, her collarbones, her breasts, and then nipples.

The touching, the quiet understanding, the ferocious lips and the subtle swaying of their bodies, the back and forth and the need that both of them showed; it felt like dying and living, like taking one last breath, just minutes before taking the very first one. Like being able to fly, but also like parachuting without the parachute.

Their tongues fought against one another, both desperate for control while unreservedly surrendering.

Maca could feel Zulema’s skin getting warmer under her touch, like the woman was slowly catching on fire, her nipples were hard and her entire body felt so responsive. The older woman was leaning against her and she could feel herself leaking at just the thought that Zulema would finally let herself go.

Zulema’s hands, that had been shyly kept against her own body, at last started to make their way up. She reached behind her and gripped Maca’s thighs, pulling her closer, demanding more. She required more of the comfort, the care, the almost fatal need.

Her legs were already shaking and as Maca’s tongue danced against hers with so much tenderness, bringing her so much pleasure, her head started to hurt and spin with it.

She had so much of the insane longing that she didn’t know what to do with it, how to express it without breaking everything around them.

Her hands and feet grew colder, and her chest started to heave. It was more than she could handle. She was too undeserving of it. She found that she had become too brittle to allow herself these kinds of feelings, to allow herself to undergo anything that felt this excessive, this authentic.

As Maca’s kisses got deeper, as her touches became more intimate, Zulema became more detached, colder.

In the brunette’s chest there were emotions that would explode everything if she let it out, in her mind there were thoughts that no person should have about themselves, and her heart, it was so bruised and battered that it mind as well be made of glass. She was too afraid of shattering.

Zulema started to pull away from Maca.

The blonde had felt it coming, she felt the coldness when it started to emerge from the brunette, she felt it spread on Zulema’s skin and freeze her by default; she wondered how so much coldness didn’t freeze the woman from the inside out.

Their lips disconnected, and so did their minds.

Maca’s hands fell away from Zulema’s chest and Zulema’s hands let go of the grip that she had on Maca’s thighs. They both looked at the wall in front of them, unmoving just as they had been at first.

Zulema’s eyes burned with the tears that she would never share, Maca’s hands ached from the phantom feel of the woman’s skin.

They were in silence; the lights kept changing from blue to purple, to yellow and white. The air felt thick, they had to concentrate on breathing.

Zulema wiped her mouth, because the remains of Macarena’s taste was slowly poisoning her; she didn’t have the antibodies to fight those kinds of feelings, she had never been exposed to it before.

Maca watched the brunette, and she didn’t try to stop her tears this time around. She cried them, let them be known, let them matter. She wanted to hold the woman again, properly, with the passion that she’d been hiding for years on end. She wanted them to be fearless, to be who they truly were.

“Why do you feel so brittle?” she whispered, quietly, longingly.

_‘Because you’re the only one who can break me’_ Zulema answered loudly and honestly. The words just never made their way out of her head.

She was scared, the fear crippled her, it made her incapable of telling the truth, of giving the blonde the honesty that she so desperately craved. Their fake marriage, for as fake as it was, for all its convenience and expiry date, it was the closer that she’d ever gotten to having a home, having some normalcy, being _almost loved_. She couldn’t give it up, she couldn’t risk saying what she really felt, only to have the blonde remind her that this wasn’t real.

They weren’t real.

Whatever the blonde wanted right then, whatever game she was playing, whatever unyielding curiosity she had, Zulema would not play the part, she did not have the strength anymore. She was too tired, too lonely and too fragile for it.

“I can hear your thoughts” Maca whispered. Of course she couldn’t hear it, but she could in fact feel it; the things that rumbled in Zulema’s head were always so loud and brutal, that they made even the air around the woman feel tainted.

“No sé lo qué acaba de pasar, pero basta.. Basta, Rubia” Zulema answered in the same whispered tone as the blonde.

She hoped that the woman would let it go, that she would show some mercy. Because if Maca didn’t stop it, if she didn’t move away and forget what had just happened, Zulema wouldn't be strong enough to resist it again, she wouldn’t be resilient enough to stop it.

She would have no other option but to let them crash, watch them burn and enjoy second of it, and then be doomed by the time that the flame went out.

Maca shook her head, she didn’t feel like it had been enough, not even close to it, she needed more, and she could hear it in Zulema’s voice that she wasn’t the only one.

She didn’t move, not closer, not further, she just stood there, breathing the same air as the brunette, feeling the electricity that seemed to connect their skin even when they weren't touching anymore, hearing Zulema’s erratic breathing and smelling the sweet scent of dark mint that came from her damped hair.

Zulema took a deep breath in. She bit her lip and closed her hands into tight fists. The proximity, the recognition of Maca’s body behind hers, continued to make her feel things that she didn’t know was possible. She wouldn’t give in, the last thing they needed in this relationship was one more complication. Stronger partnerships have failed for much less.

“Enough, Maca” Zulema begged for clemency once again.

This time Maca listened, she stepped back and felt herself crumble as she did. Zulema exhaled and could finally breathe again.

The blonde moved until she could lean against the opposite wall and try to gain control over her breathing. Her palms were sweating and her body was yearning for a bit more of the divine that she found resting upon Zulema’s skin.

“This never happened, vale?” Zulema said. She reached down for the towel and covered herself again. She still didn’t turn around to face the blonde.

Everything still felt euphoric in her, the vibration in her chest and in between her legs had not faded, neither had the loud voice that screamed inside her head, the one that told her to run, to get away, but at the same time told her to stay and see things through.

“It’s better this way, nothing has to change” she breathed out, and the words felt like they weighted about five hundred pounds.

They were quiet again. The thunderstorm spoke for them, it drowned out everything for a while.

Maca kept looking at the woman, she kept looking and she kept wondering. Why was the brunette so afraid? Wasn’t she always the fearless one of them both? What did she have to lose? Why did she felt so fragile right then? Wasn’t she the toughest one of them both? What changed? What was this great breaking point in Zulema’s life that she had missed?.

“You know what?” Maca found her voice again, and even though she kept her words low, she spoke louder than any storm.

“You’re a coward Zulema” the blonde spat and Zulema turned around to finally face the woman. Her face was blank, and she seemed unreachable. She looked ready for blows, she looked more like herself then.

Maca wondered if that was it, if Zulema’s tough façade was nothing more than her being ready for whatever brutality hit her next.

She didn’t care though, she had enough, enough of the unspoken feelings, the torturous tension, the quiet love and the pretending. _The fucking pretending._

“I told you, I can’t do this alone. I’m tired of feeling that this _.._ _whatever it is.._ is something that only I feel.. I can’t go on like that, I can’t compromise to ‘nothing has to change' that’s not right Zulema, is not fair, not to you, not to me" Maca spoke and Zulema just looked at her with an expression that was something between anger, hurt and amusement.

“Not fair?” Zulema repeated. “What do you know about fair, Rubita? What from _all_ that has happened in your life for the past _almost decade_ has been fair? Or right or anything other than fucking horrendous?” the brunette defied Maca with her eyes, and let her anger be clear through her voice.

“Out of all the people, you think that it’s fair that we’re the ones to make it? You think it’s fair that I get to be here, on this caravan, with the woman whose life I’ve tried to ruin, living like a married couple, _happy ever after_? That sounds fair to you, Rubia?” she questioned, looking away from Maca before her rage got the better of her again.

This wrath seemed to own her nowadays more than ever, always roaming through the surface, unseen, but perceptible.

“Joder.. so what then?” Maca answered with a question of her own. “Should we call it quits and move on?” she offered, growing tired of trying to persuade the woman into something that they both wanted with the same amount of yearning. It pained to love someone who doesn’t want to be loved and It hurt even more to see that person every day and not be able to touch, to feel, to kiss, to really, unafraid, and unapologetic love them.

Zulema shrugged at the blonde’s suggestion. She gave nothing, but she felt everything; The anger, the fear, the need to beg for Maca to stay, to not leave, not tomorrow, not next month, not ever.

“Por cierto, Rubia.” she nodded, biting her lip and looking away from Maca’s hurt expression.

“A marriage of convenience only works while it is _indeed convenient.._ If it's not right anymore, then we had good times while it lasted.” She blankly offered.

Maca let out a breathy laugh, one that had nothing to do with amusement, and shook her head at the words. She looked up at Zulema’s eyes while her own filled with tears that were both from anger and defeat.

She couldn’t fathom that after living together for three years, after what had just almost happened, the brunette would still be playing nonchalant, as if Maca didn’t know her, as if she had no idea of how much the woman actually cares.

She understood that pretending not to feel anything was second nature to Zulema, she knew that the woman was terrified of opening herself up, but even then, even with all that knowledge, she couldn’t help the anger that surpassed her, that made her want to hit the woman, to scream at her, to wake her up, make her give a proper reaction, make Zulema feel less like a goddamn ghost, be less of a fucking coward.

“Go fuck yourself, Zulema” She spat the words with venom, not giving her brain enough time to think about it before she did. “You.. You’re unbelievable, you’re a coward! you look and you pretend to be this great, fearless person. But you’re a lier!” Maca cursed at the woman, she could feel tears bubbling up to finally spill some of the hurt that she felt inside.

“You’re a lier! You’re scared! You’re scared of everything! of being locked up, of being free, of being alone, of not being alone. You're so scared that you can’t allow yourself the most simple and honest feelings. You’re not only afraid to love, you’re afraid of being loved.” The blonde continued, moving away from the wall and closer to Zulema again. Her eyes gauged for a reaction, she was looking for anything, everything, something.. Something that would make her feel less shut out, anything that would make Zulema look less stoical.

She couldn’t find what she hoped for, not one single reaction from the brunette, other than the usual pouting of her lips and narrowing of her eyes. The woman screamed indifference.

Maca stood in front of Zulema, as close as she’d been before, but right now she didn’t want to kiss the woman, she didn’t want to hold her, she wanted to scream, to push, to demand and to beg for response, a comeback of any kind, anything that would make her feel less alone in her suffering, in her anger and heartbreak.

“Say something! Do something! _Be somebody_!” Maca challenged, her glare burning into Zulema’s.

Their eyes danced against the other’s. Maca’s hazel ones were filled with angry tears, Zulema’s was filled with despair, with fear of the unknown.

The brunette furrowed her eyebrows in a pained expression and bit the corner of her lip. She shrugged as her way of apologizing, for not being able to give the blonde what she wanted, for not being someone other than herself.

Maca let out a bitter laugh and turned away, she couldn’t look at the woman for a second longer, couldn’t bear to be that close to her and not be able to _feel_ her, to want her so desperately and be met with so much detachment, so much coldness.

She never in a million years would have figured that Zulema would be the one to break her in this way.

Her fists were clenched and her expression was caught between disappointment and sorrow.

She offered a sour chuckle and moved away from the brunette.

“I’m out” Maca nodded. She had her back to Zulema, so she didn’t get to see the brunette’s façade cracking, she couldn’t see the fear in Zulema’s eyes, even if the reaction was only visible for a second or two.

Maca didn’t wait for a reply, she didn’t even hope for one, she just moved closer to the bed and got a backpack that was lying by the far corner of it, _Zulema’s side of the bed._

She got the pack and carelessly threw her things inside, everything that she could find, all that was important to her. There wasn’t enough to fill even a quarter of the space. What she wanted to take was precisely what she had to leave behind.

Zulema watched the blonde and she could feel herself crumbling at the sight of the woman gathering her things in such a haste.

Was she truly leaving, was this really it? This was how it was meant to end? After everything?

She could feel her chest getting constricted and her breathing becoming heavier, she wondered if it was a heart attack or just simple heartbreak. It felt different from all of the other times, it felt like she wouldn’t recover from this one. But she didn’t let it be known.

She would keep her dignity, if nothing else.

Maca looked at Zulema, with her backpack in hand, eyes filled with tears and chest slightly heaving. She shrugged and opened her arms in a way that said ‘look at the mess you made.’ and Zulema heard it clearly, she saw it perfectly. She had destroyed them one last time.

The funny thing was that, this time around, she wasn’t trying to, in fact, not wanting to destroy things, was how she destroyed them.

Maybe it was a superpower of hers; maybe it was something inevitable when it came to the people that she loved. They would break her or she would break them, and that’s the only ways that it could go.

“Just say it, say it once and I'll never ask again” Maca tried one last time. Her heart was begging, crying for crumbs of love, just enough to give her reason, just enough to allow her to stay without destroying her pride.

Zulema looked at Maca, looked at the backpack, then at the tears in the woman’s face.

“Don’t forget the money, you’ll need it” She heard the cracking of her soul when the words left her lips and she saw the way that Maca let out a single sob, then was completely still as the silent tears came in torrents.

The blonde swallowed her emotions and nodded after a second. She went towards their bed and pulled the mattress up, getting the neatly packed money. “Take the car too" Zulema offered.

Maca didn’t answer, but she did get the keys. She went towards the door but before she could go any further, she remembered to get a umbrella to protect her from the storm outside, the one from inside had been devastating enough already.

When her hand touched the handle on the door, she looked at Zulema again. Her tears had dried but her chest still felt every bit as constricted. The woman looked like she was made of stone.

“Is not that difficult you know? To open up, say what you need to say. Is not that difficult..you just had to try.” She whispered.

Zulema swallowed the cry that threatened to come from deep inside of her.

Maca nodded one last time and then she was gone.

When Zulema heard the door close behind the blonde, she broke. She bent forward and let her body shake with the tears that she couldn’t keep for a second longer.

The brunette didn’t try to be quiet, she shattered completely. The storm would silence her cries, the loneliness was an old friend of hers, she wouldn’t be judged then.

Maca ran to get to the car before her feet and pants got soaked. She closed the door with a thud and started the ignition. She needed the heat before she froze out.

After a few minutes, the space got warmer but she didn’t.

Her hands felt cold, so did her feet and her heart. The weight of her decision came down with the upmost strength.

Her hands shook as she gripped the steering wheel. The car reeked of Zulema, her flavor was stuck on Maca’s tongue, the feeling of her skin was engraved in her mind; _the woman was everywhere._

Maca hit the steering wheel with all of her strength; she used the thunder to muffle her scream. She cried and kicked. “Puto elfo del inferno” She cursed and didn’t try to pull herself together.

She turned the radio on and closed her eyes, leaning back against the seat and thinking about what she should do, what were her options at that moment.

The rain was falling like the world was about to end, she had nowhere to go, she could barely see the road, and the lightings outside made her heart skip beats.

“Fuck fuck fuck!” she hit the steering wheel again and again. She looked out and really couldn’t see anything besides rain. To drive in this weather, with her head going a thousand per hour, it would be as reckless as it could get.


	4. Chapter Four.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Background music: ‘Stay' by Rihanna.
> 
> This chapter is particularly messy and I just dislike it, but I hope that you'll like it.

> _Funny you’re the broken one,_
> 
> _But I’m the only one who needed saving_

* * *

She couldn’t leave. She didn’t really wanted to. But she stayed in the car for a few moments more, listening to the radio and allowing her body to calm down. She had her eyes closed and, in her mind, she pretended to be elsewhere, with lesser problems in her hands.

She groaned when the loud thunder brought her back to reality. Staying in the small car with the raging storm happening all around her wasn’t an option that she was too sold on.

She opened the door again and stepped out, leaving the umbrella and her hurting pride behind. She walked back to the caravan, getting her clothes soaked within seconds.

Her hand touched the handle, but she couldn’t open it, she stood there, in the rain, looking at the door and waiting for the courage to get inside, to be in the same room as the brunette after having just stormed out, to go back to feeling that cruel indifference hanging in the air and mocking her for being so stupid, for thinking that the older woman would ever be brave enough to let her in.

Maybe she was better off outside, maybe she should just sleep in the car, wait out the storm and be gone by morning.

Another lightning illuminated the night and she jumped, she wanted to curse even the nature for being so unkind, so importune. She ran her hand through her face, so that the water wasn’t imperiling her sight anymore.

She exhaled and slowly pulled the door open.

She stepped inside of their makeshift home brought gallons of rain with her, just like the brunette had earlier. When she was inside, she realized that something was different; there was none of the indifference that she had felt when she’d left.

The only thing that she could see, that she could hear and feel, was Zulema’s pain, tainting the place, making the air feel like pesticide to her, making her heart melt away.

She looked to where Zulema was and she saw the woman halfway down, using her hands to rest against her knees and give her the support to keep standing. She was crying, she was hurting, she was feeling.

She was capable of it after all, _it did matter._

Maca was transfixed, standing completely still, while her heart drummed with an urge that was hard to explain.

The thunder and the crying had drowned out everything else, Zulema didn’t hear the blonde opening the door, she didn’t hear the footsteps and she didn’t hear the ragged breathing.

She only noticed Maca when her skin started to feel warm again, when the place ceased to feel like a tomb.

By then it was done. She couldn’t pretend, she didn’t want to, it would take too much effort, and she was just _tired of it_.

She didn’t look up, she stopped crying but she kept her head low, _she didn’t look up._

Not until the blonde was standing in front of her, not until she saw the flannel shirt that the woman had been wearing fall to the floor at her feet. Soaked, discarded. Only then she raised her head, only then did she give in to the feelings that were tearing at her, only in that moment she decided to stop fighting it.

She realized that she couldn’t stop herself even if she wanted to. So she just faithfully surrendered, to the one who owned her much more than she owned herself.

She looked at Maca and Maca looked at her, _they were doomed._

They both went forward at the same time, with the same need. Their lips met. Slower this time, less desperate, more connected. Without anything that resembled fear or resistance.

They knew then that they couldn’t stop, they wouldn’t dare to.

Maca’s hands found Zulema’s towel and made it fall to the floor once again. She was met with no hidden shame this time around. Her hands touched Zulema’s stomach and felt the woman trembling beneath her palms, while Zulema’s hands struggled to be as brave an explorer as Maca was.

The brunette had never been a passive lover, but with the blonde she wanted nothing but to surrender, to be taken; she had so much that she wanted to give, that she was afraid to be anything other than a very willing compliance to whatever the woman needed. She couldn’t risk polluting the delicacy of this moment with her impetuous hunger to feel something. So she just let Maca lead, she just succumbed to it.

She did felt exposed, and she did felt out of her comfort zone, but after watching the blonde leave, get her things and just go, Zulema realized that what they had was too fragile, it could break at any moment, and therefore she should enjoy every second of it, she should be braver and take all that she could get for as long as Maca was willing to keep on giving.

The storm brought out the wilderness in them, and that feeling mixed with the fear of being alone, took complete control over Zulema’s body. It made her want to fully give herself to someone else; someone who knew how to touch her, someone who openly wanted her, despite of all her wounds.

Macarena’s hands drew patterns on Zulema’s stomach, while their lips explored and memorized everything about one another. The blonde had attentive ears to every sigh and muffled moan that the brunette offered; they weren’t sighs of desperation, of need or even passion, they were sighs of appreciation, of comfort, of unsurpassed love, it was quiet and intense, powerful. It matched Zulema perfectly.

Her hands moved the same way that they had before, to Zulema’s ribs, where she traced every single one of them, tried to remember how they felt, then she went up, to her breasts, her neck, her face. She pulled back and looked at Zulema’s eyes, they caught each other. The dried tears in their faces matched, the fire and love in their eyes were the same. They were so alike that they were almost an extension of the other. _Iguales o nada_. And that was exactly it, they were equals or they were nothing, they were two sides of the same soul or they didn’t exist at all.

Maca’s hands went down, she found Zulema’s underwear and pushed them away, Zulema helped her. They both felt that they didn’t had any time left to spend with posing, they absolutely couldn’t spend one more second acting as if they weren’t eager, as if they didn’t want to connect completely more than they wanted their next breath.

With Zulema’s underwear down at her ankles, the brunette got one foot out of it and moved one leg up to wrap around Maca’s waist.

Macarena still had her soaked shorts on and the coldness of it was such a welcomed relief to the burning in her core.

Her hand moved towards Zulema’s core while their eyes were still locked together. She asked for permission without saying a word and Zulema offered an impatient groan as an answer.

The blonde let her fingers move through soaked folds, feeling the softest and most delicious skin that she had ever felt under her fingertips.

She found the bundle of nerves that she wanted to find and started doing circles over it, using the wetness leaking from Zulema to help her along.

Maca found that she never cared as much about her lover as she did with the brunette, she had never before wanted to pleasure someone with as much intensity as she wanted to pleasure Zulema. Nothing has ever been as important to her as making the woman feel good was.

Zulema’s tried to keep a poker face but she was biting so hard into her lower lip that Maca could almost see blood.

Her fingertips picked up speed and the brunette closed her eyes to stop the other woman from seeing them roll to the back of her head. Her hands reached for the blonde’s shoulder for support and connection.

She let a groan escape and nodded her head when Maca let her fingers slip further down and started to tease at her entrance.

She wanted the blonde to get inside her, with as much need as she had ever needed anything. She didn’t know pleasure like that could be possible. In all of her years she had never knew that her body could be this responsive, and with so little, _so quickly_. The blonde didn’t even seem to be really trying yet and Zulema could already feel her walls pulsing with the need to blow.

Maca could feel her entire body buzzing with arousal, even her face was tingling with excitement, and between her legs.. _she must’ve surely ruined her panties by then_.

She needed to get inside Zulema, to feel the woman at her most sensitive place, to be connected to her, to be unable to tell where one started and the other began. But she also wanted to play, to see how far she could get, how deep was Zulema’s desire, how much surrender she could get from the woman.

The blonde kept alternating the circles from really wide and fast, to really slow and small and the brunette seemed to be really enjoying it as she kept tightening her hold on Maca’s skin with unbelievable strength.

Zulema gritted her teeth to keep a moan from tearing, and threw her head back for a second. She didn’t want to face Maca, not with the way that her skin was surely flushed and her eyes were full with arousal, being as clear as day in her glare, with no regards for modesty.

“Look at me” The blonde whispered and the sound of her pleading voice echoed through Zulema’s head, then it ran straight down to her pussy. The woman couldn’t help but to oblige.

Everything had escalated so fast, yet so slow. They went through so many emotions tonight, so much had happened in such a small window of time, but at the same time, this was such a long time coming that it didn’t feel rushed at all, in fact, it felt like the slowest slow-burn in history of slow burns. However they chose to perceive it though; it just felt right, perfectly rhythmed.

Maca’s fingers moved with purpose and her free hand moved to find Zulema’s nipples, to praise them as they should be praised.

She ran her fingers from left to right, one then the other, with so much care, not one bit of hurry. While Zulema felt like she was whitening away under the younger woman’s touch.

The brunette found that if she didn’t break the spell that hazel eyes had put on her, the blonde would be able to set fire to her very soul with just her intense stare.

She threw her head back to escape before she burned.

Maca took the opportunity to move into Zulema’s space and allow her mouth to find the taste that she has been craving like an addict, for what felt like years.

Her lips found Zulema’s exposed neck and showered the sensitive skin with fleeting kisses. As a reward she heard the woman moaning and felt strong hands tighten their grip around her shoulders.

She kissed Zulema’s jaw, then went down and kissed her collarbones, then up to her neck again, and finally she let her lips find the woman’s nipples, first the left, then the right. She closed her lips around it and let her tongue circle it, so precisely, so exquisitely, while her fingers moved with just the right speed and pressure.

Zulema opened her mouth in a silent moan and felt herself relinquishing all control, feeling the blonde’s lips and tongue caressing her breasts with so much care while her fingers moved with such mind-blowing precision.

“No lo pares, Rubia” A cry fell from the brunette’s lips and the blonde could only fervently nod in agreement as her mouth was too full to be able to voice her answer.

 _‘No voy parar nunca.. Nunca en mi puta vida.’_ Was the only possible answer that Maca’s brain would’ve been able to provide.

Everything felt like pure euphoria and Zulema’s hips started to move of their own accord, making circles along with Maca’s fingers, just slightly more eager, more desperately for the friction that they had created.

The brunette felt her orgasm start to break free and she moved her hands to find Maca’s wavy blonde hair and push the woman’s face further against her breasts. She didn’t care about her need of control, she didn’t care about boundaries, about self-consciousness, right then all that she wanted was to come on her partner’s fingers, with no shame, no apology, no half-felt emotions.

Her orgasm kept building and she knew that if she didn’t come within the next few seconds, she would most likely just explode and disappear into thin air.

Maca moaned around Zulema’s nipple and struggled to breathe, her wrists ached from the effort of pleasuring the woman. Her own orgasm builds inside of her at just the sounds and the feeling of Zulema being so closely wrapped around her, it blinded all of her senses until nothing else existed, nothing but Zulema, the caravan, the surrendering, the unspoken promises and the wild storm.

Zulema didn’t stop moving her hips for a second, she used her leg that was wrapped around Maca’s waist to pull her closer, and she let her fingers pull on blonde waves of hair, using the grip as leverage to keep the woman’s lips exactly where they were.

She felt her walls clench and release about a hundred times, and the emptiness inside of her made her want to scream, beg to be filled.

Then, with Maca’s hands moving at speed and consistency that she didn’t knew humans could, she finally felt it.

Her orgasm came crushing down, coming all the way from her chest, rushing down through her veins and muscles like the warmest ray of sunshine; it set her body on fire.

She was completely silent and motionless while it made its way down to her core. Then, when it finally hit and exploded between her walls, when it started to shoot out of her like waterfall, when it felt like she would die from the pleasure of it, like she would never again taste such incredible and fulfilling euphoria, only then, her hips started to move again and her moaning filled the place.

She desperately cling to Maca’s fingers as if they were her lifeline, her moans started to come in desperate short cries that were completely in sync with the pleasure-waves that were breaking between her legs. She felt like she was falling at high speed and everything else was in slow motion. It was probably how dying felt; Scary and _so_ _fucking transcending_.

She cried out, over and over, and she didn’t want it to stop, ever.

Her whole body was vibrating and she felt her strength fading away. She lacked the ability to keep standing, to keep her grip on Maca’s hair, or to keep her legs wrapped around the woman’s waist; her muscles were going limp as her orgasm was finally subsiding. She let go of Maca’s hair and the blonde finally came up to properly breathe and enjoy the show.

Maca’s fingers didn’t stop moving, she found that she couldn’t, seeing and feeling the brunette come was everything good that there was about life. She realized that from then on, there would be nothing as important, nothing as big, as watching Zulema come, for her, _because of her._

The older woman was shaking like she couldn’t control her own body, her eyes were closed and her head thrown back, Maca knew that she had never seen something as beautiful.

Zulema’s nipples were so proudly standing out while her torso contorted. Her thighs were wet with her own arousal and Maca wanted nothing more than to feel it, to taste it. And while Zulema’s body told Maca that she couldn’t handle it anymore, her hips continued to seek out and roll around her fingers. So Maca didn’t stop, she didn’t have to; she went slow then fast, fast then slow, she paused, then carried on, and by the second orgasm, Zulema was crying out shameless, wordlessly begging Maca to give her less while simultaneously pulling the blonde closer to get more.

The older woman finally opened her eyes again and looked down, to find the blonde’s gaze, that she could feel burning into her, even in her oblivious state of mind. She found the woman and quickly moved in to kiss her. The brunette was in such a state that she didn’t even recognized her body’s reactions, she couldn’t tell up from down, all that she knew was that she wanted more of it, so much more.

And so, more she would receive.

Maca pulled Zulema away from the furniture that she had been leaning against, and took the woman to bed. She stopped for a second to remove her shorts and underwear, they were soaked through, but now she wasn’t sure if it was from the rain or from how insanely turned on she was.

Zulema pushed herself back on the mattress and Maca crawled her way to her.

They stopped moving when their faces were inches from touching and their bodies were perfectly melting together. Maca was on top and Zulema was on bottom, it would be amusing to the brunette if she wasn’t aroused beyond amusement, if she could think of anything other than how much she wanted the blonde, how good it felt to have her like that, laying on top of her, with no barriers, neither physically nor emotionally.

In the back of her mind, Zulema could hear her own voice telling her to be careful, to be aware, to be mindful of the devastation that this storm would leave, of all that they would have to face by sunrise.

But for right then, they still had time. They could still be who they were, who they wanted to be, as one. They had until morning to give and to get, all that they couldn’t admit to want during day-light.

Maca leaned in and caught Zulema’s lips; it felt dangerous, like navigating through unknown waters, but it also felt natural, like it was something that was meant to happen all along. It was exciting and terrifying at once.

Their lips searched for one another and their kiss showed all of the emotions that they had been caring around for an eternity. Zulema’s legs parted further and Maca’s body seemed to fit her even better.

The blonde found one of Zulema’s hand and intertwined their fingers, letting the connected hands rest just besides their faces. While Zulema’s free hand found its way to Maca’s arm, slowly going up like she was trying to memorize the path.

She caressed through the woman’s shoulder, she let her thumb brush against her pale and soft neck, then she moved to Maca’s back and her fingertips brushed and embraced every inch of exposed skin. She slowly let her fingers travel up and down on the woman’s spine, all the while their lips didn’t disconnect for a single second. Their taste was so beautifully blended that they couldn’t tell what was familiar and what wasn’t, everything fell into place, everything was perfect.

Maca could feel Zulema everywhere, on every fiber of her being. But she still needed more; she needed _so_ _much_ that she was willing to not exist at all for a few hours, to give up all that she was, only to have enough space to take the brunette in, to fill her body with Zulema’s essence.

Her free hand started to travel through the brunette’s body again. She found her quaking stomach, her heaving chest, but she didn’t play with Zulema’s breasts this time; she just let her hand rest above the brunette’s heart. Where she could really feel her, with no shame.

Just as she was, just as Maca wanted her to be., real.

“Please” Zulema breathed out through her husky voice. Her lips were mere inches away from Maca’s and their foreheads were touching in the most affectionate way. Her plea wasn’t exactly a plea; it was more like a warning filled with good intentions and some hidden fears.

The woman pushed her head back so that she would be able to look at Macarena.

Maca looked at her partner’s eyes and tried to understand what she meant; she couldn’t, there were too many emotions there, too much intensity to even be registered by Maca’s yes. So she waited for more.

“It’s too much.” Zulema whispered again, even though she felt like talking was taking away her last breath, the little bit of strength that she still had to keep on existing in this moment that seemed to demand for all of her, all that she had to give and all that she was willing to receive.

“You shouldn’t feel me like this; it’s too much” the words echoed through the air.

Maca didn’t agree with it, it wasn’t the truth. It would never be too much, no matter on how many ways she got to feel the woman that was currently lying naked beneath her, it would never come even close to being enough, so most definitely, it would never be too much.

But she nodded and let her hands move away, from the skin that felt like fire beneath her palm and the heart that beat exactly like her own. If the brunette wasn’t willing to happily give, then she wasn’t willing to eagerly receive.

She connected their lips and kissed Zulema with love and tenderness; she didn’t know a different way to feel the woman.

She went down on the older woman’s body, slowly, with care.

Maca kissed her chest and then moved on to her nipples; she sucked on them as if they were the fountain of happiness, _of infinity_. First one then the other, she didn’t rush, she had no hurry in getting to any certain place. All that she wanted was to give Zulema’s body the attention that she deserved. She wanted to make the woman feel desired, especial, absolutely unique, as she indeed was.

Zulema squirmed in bed, her back arched to offer better access to the blonde. No one had ever kissed her like that, made her feel so.. important, wanted, _good._ She knew then that whatever they had been before, whatever their partnership had evolved around; it could never be again, for she would never be able to resist the blonde after this, to not think about her lips, her fingers, the feeling of harden nipples scraping against her stomach while her own were being praised by the woman’s mouth. Whatever they had been, whatever _she_ had been, it ceased right then, it transformed into something better, something worthy.

She groaned when she felt the loss of Maca’s lips, but she didn’t have too much time to be disappointed, as the woman started to kiss her way down, so faithfully.

Maca kissed Zulema’s ribs, the ones that had been so harshly battered, even broken; She kissed them like they were something that should belong in religious books, something that should be praised with the upmost devotion.

She went lower, to Zulema’s stomach, then, she let her tongue slide down all the way to the pit of her belly and when she heard Zulema sharply inhale, she went back up and did it again.

The brunette had her back so arched out of bed that she was almost levitating. Every inch of her skin was vibrating with desire, she could feel it from the back of her neck to the tips of her toes, and it was divine.

On the third time that Maca let her tongue slide through Zulema’s stomach, the brunette cried out and pushed her hips up to meet Maca’s face.

She couldn’t ask for it, she would never, but _god did she feel like begging right then!_ especially when the blonde ignored her body’s plea and took those tormenting kisses down to Zulema’s knee, moving up so slow and with so little purpose that the brunette wondered if the woman actually intended to turn this into sweet torture, or if it just came naturally to her.

Maca looked up at her partner and she could swear that she felt her heart expand its size. Her eyes sparkled and her breath caught in her throat; Zulema had one arm draped against her face and she was biting into her own flesh to keep from crying out, while her chest heaved, her things and stomach trembled, and she looked just so eager, so lost in lust, so..Ethereal.

Maca wanted to have that view every day for the rest of her life. She wanted this moment to be frozen in time, untouched, undisturbed, just them, Zulema and her, and the storm and the RV and the explosions that seemed to be happening all around them, while they moved fueled only by intense feelings.

Soon the need to taste, the need to drink from Zulema, swallow her, have her liquid-excitement twirling around her tongue, running through her throat and filling her, _to finally make herself complete_ , became all consuming and she couldn’t waste one second more. Not one more kiss could be placed if not in between the brunette’s thighs, if not in the place that she yearned for the most.

So, she moved in, this time with no calmness, no soft feelings, not one ounce of anything that wasn’t _desperate hunger._

She kissed at the woman’s most sensitive place and then she let her tongue slither all the way down until it reached her entrance and she could push just the tip inside.

She heard the older woman moan and her own walls powerfully clenched, at both the husky moan and the wonderful taste that she got from the brunette. The liquid that streamed down from Zulema was both sweet and sour, equally delicate and powerful.. She tasted like living did.

“God!” Zulema breathed out. Her body was so sensitive that she felt like she was exploding from the everywhere at once, everything was so.. good and bad, and euphoric and happy and sad and amazing and scary.

It felt like the ending but also the beginning, of who they were and everything that they’d been through, of all the growth and the breakdowns, of all that they've given up and all that they were still building.

 _This_ was the turning point, the storm that destroyed everything in the night, and brought a new beginning by morning.

Zulema bitten hard into her closed fist to keep from screaming at the way that the blonde kept teasing her entrance but never went deeper than that. She pushed her hips down against Maca’s mouth, searching for more, desperate for it. Her insides were twisting, crying with the desire to be filled, to get the blonde to sink deep inside of her, as deep as she had already sunk into her life, her heart and soul.

Sex had never been as desperate as it was right then; it had never felt like a necessity, _coming_ was never as poetic as it was at that moment.

She cried out, getting sick of waiting for the blonde to give her what she wanted. She needed to be fucked properly before her walls exploded. She could feel herself clench until it hurt, looking for something to cling to, to make her feel whole, and every time that she was met with nothing but emptiness, it would feel like her body was being cheated of the greatest pleasure on earth.

Maca couldn’t help the hushed laugh that escaped from her when the older woman cried and trusted her hips up in a manner that was pure frustration.

Zulema propped herself up on her elbows and looked down at Maca then, the blonde lifted her face away from the brunette’s core and their eyes met.

Maca had a smirk on her lips, and though Zulema didn’t appreciated the teasing, she couldn’t help but smile in return, because the whole thing was insane, so absolutely wrong and unnatural that it could be nothing but amusing, nothing if not right and fucking perfect.

“Fuck you” Zulema cursed out and they continued to smirk at one another.

Maca bit her lips and felt herself leaking and pulsing again, _still_. she found that she really enjoyed being observed by the brunette, while she was so comfortably laying between the woman’s thighs.

“Watch me” She whispered, and the way that her voice was filled with lust made Zulema’s walls clench down once more. All amusement and smirks were gone, as if they never came to be in the first place. The air was heavy again.

Zulema closed her eyes and sharply inhaled in response to the indescribable feeling of Maca’s hands reaching up to pull on her nipples in such a wonderful way, while at the same time moving those incredible lips and tongue to her core again. She dropped back to lying on bed and covered her face with her hands as sweat broke out all over her skin.

“I said watch me” Maca demanded, her lips just above Zulema’s pussy and her eyes intently looking up at the woman.

Zulema moaned and nodded in acknowledge but took a few more second until she could gather the strength to open her eyes and look down at the blonde beauty that was worshiping her in between her legs.

She would watch it; she would look at the blonde’s face and lips moving so beautifully over her core _and she would_ _know_ , she would understand it perfectly, that nothing would ever compare, nothing would ever come even close.

Maca went in again, tasting Zulema’s pussy like she had before, like she would for as long as she was allowed. She let her lips close over the most sensitive bundle of nerves in the woman’s body and she let her tongue pulse against it, slightly pull it in and then just keep pressure on it, and let the brunette’s natural reaction do all the work.

Every time that Zulema’s walls clenched and relaxed, she would feel her clit pulsing against Maca’s tongue, fighting against the pressure that the woman put around it and receiving the most delicious shocks of pleasure as a reward.

She had her lips parted and her moans came in quick, short inhales and exhales. Her toes curled and her hands gripped the bed sheets with startling strength. The burning began at the soles of her feet and went up like electricity, running through her legs, then through her upper thighs.

Her eyes were locked on Macarena.

The warm electrical feeling never reached the place where she needed it the most. The place that pulsed so strongly and had so much built up pleasure running through it that it had her mind incapable of forming one single thought. No, it passed right though and went to her stomach instead; then to her chest, to her harden nipples, through her throat, then her face. It pooled at the back of her neck and then it seemed to dance through her hair roots. It made her dizzy, it made everything feel divine, it provided the same rush of being at the top of a rollercoaster, waiting, expecting, _knowing_ , that at any minute it would go down, it would make her entire body freeze, then come alive. She knew that it would make her feel fulfilled like she had never felt before.

“Joder, Maca” She cried. Her thighs gripped Maca’s head and she shot up on her elbows again. She wanted to cry out and move away from the overwhelming pleasure, but hazel eyes watched her and commanded her to be still.

Her insides were being teased to capacity and she could barely breathe with the way that it felt; she was living on the promise of an orgasm only.

Her lower stomach was tightening, and her walls were clenching and releasing with every passing second. Her breathing had almost completely ceased and her body was completely vibrating; she couldn’t handle one more second of it.

Then, it happened.

The blonde slipped two fingers into her soaking walls. And-

“Puta Rubia!” the brunette cried through gritted teeth.

And- As soon as she did, everything went crushing down; the orgasm that had been lurking on every inch of surface in her body, rushed down with all of its strength towards her core. it exploded there, it shot out of her when her body wasn’t able capable of keeping it inside.

She pressed her hand against her mouth, but it wasn’t enough to stop the little breathy screams that tore out from deep inside of her chest for a second or two. She breathed fast, then she didn’t breathe at all, she moaned, then she was absolutely quiet. The only sound that was heard was the one of her own wetness gushing out and the friction of Maca’s fingers going in and out of her, _and in and in and in._

‘ _goooddddd’_ she cried in her head.

Everything was completely still; all except her body, that moved of its own accord, desperately ridding Maca’s fingers again.

This time it felt even better than before, it felt completely out of her control. And it wouldn’t stop coming.

The pleasure surged from the depts of her, it made her feel like she was wearing her insides out.

Zulema rode Maca’s fingers like it was the last time, like it was the most important thing that she had to do in this life, like nothing had ever been as fulfilling.

The woman had one hand curled around white sheets and the other keeping her moans muffled. She couldn’t handle the combination of the mind-blowing orgasm and the way that Maca’s eyes were locked so deep into hers that it almost hurt. So she closed her eyes and threw her head back, while she choked on air and let her hips move like she couldn’t get enough.

Zulema would swear that she could feel even the atoms of oxygen that went around the caravan. Her skin tingled and it was like she could feel the drops of water that were still falling heavily outside, like she was connected to everything at once; the blonde being the main focus.

She could feel the woman like their skins were one, their heartbeats matched, and their minds shared the same thoughts. Which wasn’t a far reach for them, _to be that much of the same._

The brunette milked every ounce of pleasure and she worried about nothing else.

Maca stopped moving and just watched her partner, with pupils dilated to the fullest, pussy clenching like watching Zulema coming was the most arousing thing that she had witnessed in her life.

In fact, it was. And now nothing would ever replace the sense of accomplishment that the brunette gave to her.

She kept her fingers inside of the older woman and enjoyed the feeling of her ridding them while her walls clenched down and opened with every breath that she took.

After what felt like a whole hour, Zulema finally began to reach the end of the breath-taking explosion.

She let her hand fall away from her lips and slowly released the grip that she had on the sheets. Her chest heaved with the desperate need to get some air into her lungs, while her back slowly went down and reconnected with the mattress again; her toes didn’t uncurl, and she was still slightly moving her hips.

But she was calmer now, _satisfied_.

Her body jerked with aftershocks, and it took a few moments until she finally came down completely.

Maca watched her, and when the woman finally stopped quivering and squirming, she carefully removed her fingers from her. She let her hands caress the woman’s thighs and leaned her face against it while gauging each one of her reactions.

“Estas bien?” The blonde asked after a couple of seconds where all that could be heard was Zulema’s heavy breathing.

She placed gentle kisses on the woman’s thigh and let her fingers go up to find her hand and lock it against her own, like she had before.

Everything was so gentle, so good, so fragile, that Zulema was afraid to even breathe, to even move at all. She was afraid that anything, at any minute, would make her wake up, that something would take this away from her.

“Por supuesto” She answered in her husky voice. She ran her hands through her face and tried to shake off the post-orgasmic haste that she was feeling. She looked down at Maca, who was still lazily placing kisses upon her thigh.

“Enough” She whispered; it wasn’t, it was just too good and sweet for her to accept it without any inner struggle.

Maca looked deep in Zulema’s eyes and stopped kissing her.

 _She understood_ , it was easier to accept affection when her body was hungry for pleasure, but once it was done, once the mania for an orgasm disappeared, then, everything would go back to what it was. the anxiety, the fear, the scars; they would be there, just as they’d been before, just as they always would.

She moved up on Zulema’s body, placing kisses along the way. Allowing herself to feel the woman’s nipples with her hands and her tongue, knowing that if this was the last time, she wouldn’t have the regret of not taking enough, of not feeling as much as she wanted to.

Zulema was still slightly trembling all over and feeling Maca’s tongue moving over her nipples and leaving each of them drenched, just contributed to her instability.

Though a lot of her reality had kicked back in; her mind was still clouded with desire. She exhaled and pushed her chest up to meet the eager lips of the blonde woman.

Maca enveloped her nipple in the warmth and wetness of her mouth, then bit down on it.

“Fuck” Zulema’s walls fluttered again.

She shot up in the bed, sitting up and pulling Maca along. Her hands moved to the blonde’s thigh and she guided the woman to wrap them around her waist.

Maca was surprised by the sudden change, but she wasn’t surprised about Zulema wanting to take control. Of course she would.

But it wasn’t in the way that Maca always thought that it would happen; she wasn’t even slightly aggressive nor cocky about it. She was attempting, not demanding.

Zulema looked up at Maca and wondered, again, if any of it was real. Had she really gotten what she wanted? Was it just so that it would hurt more when it fell apart? By morning would the woman go fetch the backpack that she took to the car or would she just get the keys and go? What did this change? Did it really matter at all?

Did Maca truly wanted her, could the woman really feel the same as she did?

“You’re in your head again.. let go” Maca whispered, just like she had earlier.

Zulema didn’t answer, she just let one of her hands slip in between their bodies and slide down until she found the source of the wetness that was dripping from the younger woman.

Maca nodded and let out a deep sigh when Zulema’s fingers met her core. She wondered how Zulema could look so shy and lost right, but at the same time touch her with so much precision, with so much ability.

“God” The blonde sighed again and pushed her body down against the brunette’s hands.

Zulema watched Maca intently. She wanted every sigh, every micro-expression, every intense glare that the woman offered in reaction to her.

“Fuck me, Zulema” Maca whispered. She could feel her checks burn with embarrassment at her words and the amount of lust that was laced in her voice. but at the same time, she didn’t care at all, she just wanted to get exactly what she asked for. _to be fucked by Zulema._

The brunette closed her eyes and slightly nodded. She leaned in and kissed Maca’s neck as her fingers easily penetrated the blonde. The woman was drenched and immediately clenched around her. She was as eager and ready as Zulema was, and the brunette didn’t intent to be as much of a tease as Maca had been, she went all in.

Maca’s threw her head back and smiled through the charge of pleasure that cursed through her body when she felt Zulema filling her, just like she asked.

First the brunette tested the waters to see how ready for it the blonde really was, and when she was met with no resistance, she started pumping her fingers. She went rough and fast, with no teasing, no holding back, no time to waste. She gave it all.

Maca didn’t try to stop the moans that fell from her, she didn’t try to pretend that she wasn’t already on the verge of an incredible orgasm nor did she tried to fool herself and not admit that Zulema was driving her crazy within two minutes of being inside her.

She didn’t try to pretend that this was the best that she ever had. Her partner had only just started, and yet she was already the best that Maca ever had. It would be sad, if it wasn’t so fucking good.

“Joder, asi!” she groaned as she started to ride on Zulema’s fingers. Her thighs were wrapped around the woman and her arms were pulling her in. she let her hands travel to Zulema’s shoulder, then her hair and neck, then she touched the sides of her face and guided the brunette until green eyes and hazel ones connected again.

They communicated without needing words. The blonde started bouncing up and down and Zulema drove her fingers each time faster.

They didn’t look away for a second. Zulema’s thumb found its way to Maca’s clit and the blonde abruptly stopped moving, frowning her eyebrows and parting her lips for a moan that wouldn’t come out. She just nodded, fervently.

Sweat was already running down on Maca’s skin and it made her glow like gold, she looked absolutely edible and Zulema’s mouth watered with want. She leaned in and let her tongue cover the path from Maca’s chest to her neck, eyes always looking for reactions. She used her free hand to grip Maca’s jaw and make the woman look at her, in her eyes there was nothing but desire.

“Does that feel good?” She asked through a husky growl as she curled the tips of her fingers inside the blonde. The woman let out a choked moan and started bouncing up and down again, craving for more of the delicious friction that they had created.

“Yes yes yes” She nodded in a frenzy. Zulema smiled and continued moving just as she’d been.

The brunette knew exactly how to make a woman come, she wasn’t an expert, but she knew just how hard to go, just how much pressure to apply, just the right thing to do to get her partners there. But right then with Maca, she felt like she had never touched a woman before and had no idea on what she was doing. She needed the reaffirmation moans and the desperate seeking of the blonde’s hips.

Going by those reaction she was doing really well, but she still had no confidence on her skills, she felt nothing like herself, she was relying only on the overwhelming feelings to try and make the blonde feel good.

“Fucckk!” Maca cried. she was doing something right.

Her free hand that was resting by Maca’s lower back started to travel up through her back and soon she found soft waves of hair within her reach. She didn’t think about it, she just let her fingers wrap around and slightly pull on it, while looking deep into hazel eyes.

The blonde groaned and her frown grew deeper. Her walls clenched down, and she felt like there was fire, instead of blood, running through her veins.

“Zulema!” She cried and the woman just offered a smirk at her.

The brunette could feel her own body acting up. Her skin filled with goosebumps, her heart started to pound harder and her pussy started to tingle once more.

She leaned in and started to place kisses on Maca’s chest, feeling the woman trembling beneath her lips just as she surely was before. _God_ , she did loved payback.

“Harder!” The blonde begged just as Zulema bit into her breast with her pearly white teeth. The older woman wondered for a second if the begging was for the biting or the fucking. _when in doubt_ , she went harder on both.

The blonde started to move her hips back and forth, no calms about it, no gentleness. She just needed to come, just like that, being wrapped around the woman just as she was.

Their nipples kept brushing against each other every time that she moved down to meet Zulema’s fingers, and the woman was so deep in her that she could feel it everywhere; it just seemed like she couldn’t handle much more without actually exploding.

Zulema groaned and moved her fingers with more purpose, she could feel herself leaking into the sheets again. She needed more, she needed more space, more freedom to move as she wished, to go as hard as she knew that the blonde wanted.

In a millisecond she had pushed them up and turned them around, making Maca go down to hit her back on the comfortable mattress, and allowing her body to land on top of the blonde.

Maca bit her lip and groaned, feeling her pussy pulse and her skin burn up like it was catching on fire.

Zulema adjusted herself and continued to fingerfuck the blonde just as the woman seemed to crave. She went hard and fast, curling the tip of her fingers every now and again, pressing against Maca’s front walls and making the blonde squirm in bed just as she had.

She put one hand down on the bed to keep herself up and moved her leg so that her right knee was now resting just beside Maca’s waist. The blonde raised one of her arms above her head and pushed her palm against the wall, to give herself some leverage to push down against Zulema’s fingers. Her other hand went to rest against Zulema’s lower back but soon started to travel up on her spine, pulling her body down without being forceful about it.

Zulema lowered herself further, as the blonde instructed, and raised her free arm just like Maca had, pushing her palm against the same wall above their heads. Their nipples were brushing against the other and it made everything feel heavenly. Excitement ran down to the pit of their stomachs and their clits strongly pulsed.

Their eyes were locked together, and their lips were almost touching. Maca pushed down to meet the friction that Zulema’s fingers had created and the woman pressed her against her frontal walls again.

“Oooh!” The blonde arched her back and closed her eyes, while running her nails down on Zulema’s back to try and replicate the burning desire that the woman created inside of her.

She let her hand rest against Zulema’s smaller back and pulled the woman even closer to her.

With Zulema’s right leg raised and bent against her waist she had enough space and inclination to raise her own leg and offer a perfect angle for Zulema to sit down against.

Zulema bit her lips and tilted her head a bit. The blonde was still taking control even though she was the one at the bottom now.

The brunette wouldn’t accept this in any other setting, with anyone else, but right then, with Maca, with her pussy begging for more attention, her clit pulsing with pleasure, while her walls and lower stomach clenched down every few seconds; control be damned, she would comply with everything that the blonde wanted, even if it killed her.

She went down as the woman was leading her to and curled her fingers again when her drenched center came in contact with Maca’s thick thigh.

They both deeply sighed in appreciation.

_‘Fuck!’_

_‘Is this heaven or hell?’_

Maca encouraged Zulema to move, while pushing her leg up to press harder against the woman’s center.

_‘Ooh fuck!’_

By that point Zulema could do nothing but oblige, she could do nothing but seek for both of their pleasure.

Her fingers started pumping wildly and she started griding herself against Maca’s legs. They moved their bodies in sink, using the wall for the impulse that they needed to keep pushing themselves, both working towards the same go; make the other feel good. Maca rode Zulema’s fingers, and Zulema rode Maca’s leg.

The brunette had never gotten off on someone’s leg before, she didn’t even know that she could. It felt like Paradise.

The Christmas lights illuminating their bodies made them seem like godlike beings, fallen from space. The heavy rain from outside, must surely be from angels weeping for the beauty of their encounter. but the thunders, the lightnings, were surely to grieve for the sin that they were committing. Not the sex, no; the connection, the submission, the joining of their mistakes, the blending of their crimes, the embracing of their wrong doings. That’s why the sky cried, for the acceptance of the bad, the worse, and the horrendous.

They were being cursed by the gods as they were matching for life; they were dooming all that they could’ve been if they had stayed away from each other, and for that they would pay. They just didn’t see it yet, they just didn’t care for that knowledge at that moment.

In the dark and in lust, they met their true selves. They saw that they were not different from the other, in fact, they were exactly the same. As equal as they agreed to.

“Fucking. Move” Maca encouraged through gritted teeth.

Zulema groaned in response and did as the blonde asked, griding hard against the delicious thigh that was tightly pressed between her legs.

She started moving with as much passion as she felt, the air around them was thick with their need, breathing seemed like the most difficult task at the moment. Not crying out, not pleading for more, not reaching for the other’s souls, seemed almost impossible.

“Rubia!” Zulema called out while Maca used her free hand to guide her hips back and forth, with so much urgency.

“Don’t stop, don’t stop” Maca cried. Her toes curling and her entire body going rigid with the pleasure that cursed through her muscles and owned her completely. She didn’t know that sex could feel so heart stopping, so transcending. she would just add it to the list of things that Zulema had taught her.

They moved in synch, to absolute perfection.

Zulema’s hand that had been pushing against the wall, went down on Maca’s body. She allowed her fingertips to feel every bit of skin that she could find. She touched Maca’s face and looked into her eyes.

“You’re absolutely perfect” She said through her breathless voice. She didn’t stop moving, their pace wasn’t less desperate, but suddenly, it felt heavier, _more necessary._ It was more significant than any carnal fulfillment, _for as good as it was,_ it went way past sexual relief, it was more remarkable than that, more essential than any satisfaction that their bodies worked to achieve.

This, the submission, the desire, it was beyond even love, it went past everything, any word that had ever been used for a human connection.

The world stopped around them, even the storm ceased to exist as they reached their peaks. As their lips touched ever so slightly and the most angelic sounds were cried into the others mouth. As their fingers, and hips and hands and everything, moved like it was the last time that they would be allowed to.

Nothing else mattered, nothing else was real. Not the caravan, not the rain, not the bed, not the prison, not even the freedom that they found together. Everything disappeared as they came. The only thing that was tangible and that truly mattered, was the other, was the way that they became one.

Zulema felt Maca’s walls tightening around her fingers and keeping her on a chokehold, constricting more and more with every millisecond that went by, until it was finally satisfied to completion and it pushed her fingers out without giving her any room to fight it. The woman shook beneath her and cried into her lips while sharp nails almost dug holes into her lower back.

Maca felt Zulema dripping against her leg and moving so strongly that she wondered where the brunette found the strength to. she swallowed the deep and lusted moans that Zulema breathed into her mouth, and she felt it fueling her body, giving her all that she had been missing for years now, giving her reason and purpose, happiness and an incredible sense of self. The brunette suddenly stopped the frantic movements of her hips and Maca could hear her choking on air again, the same sound of before. Her body spasmed and vibrated all over, her eyes closed tightly, and her brows deeply furrowed, while brand new hot liquid slipped from her and into Maca’s leg, then it dripped into the mattress. ,

The blonde let her hand go down and find the back of Zulema’s neck to pull her closer and connect their foreheads together. They shook and they came, so beautifully, so perfectly that everything stopped, even their breathings.

Maca connected their lips and it gave them a second wind of pleasure. They cried out again.

They kissed, afraid that it would be the last time.

The rain stopped, so did the thunders and so did their racing hearts. The clouded feelings were as real now as they’d been before. They were motionless, laying with their bodies, and foreheads, and lips and heart and soul, all connected.

“I love you” one of them said. They weren’t sure on each one. probably both.

They slowly recovered their breaths and their minds. They felt the racing thoughts and bad memories come rushing in as soon as they had finished. They chose to ignore it, to hold each other and just _be_.

“But we’re both broken” It was whispered into the dark. They were, they would continue to be, no matter how much they wished to be different, no matter how much the other tried to change it. Super glue, nor tremendous amount of passion could mend a broken soul. And they broke a long time ago.

“Maybe the pieces that you’re missing are the ones that I have” Maybe. Hopefully.

They didn’t move for what felt like hours. They decided to just exist inside the protection bubble that their bodies had created.

Maca felt like she was finally at home again.

Zulema felt like she _had a home_ for the first time in her life.

Maybe that’s what forgiveness felt like, maybe that’s the love that people transformed into poems, that they told tales about, that became songs and reached the heavens.

Just.. two broken people, finding their missing pieces in the other.

“Maybe”.

°°°

The sun was just about to rise and with it was brought forth the last orgasm of the night.

Zulema was sitting on Maca’s face and her body had just split in half from the pleasure that the blonde brought to her.

They hadn’t stopped for more than a couple of minutes, going wild throughout the whole night, testing limits and challenging the other to see how much ability they had when it came to making their partners properly enjoy sex. The challenge had no losers, they were equally _good_... but Zulema was definitely the less put together of them both.

Maybe it was because she was older, or the fact that for the first time in her life she had given up control, or even because she was so overwhelmed by her feelings for Maca, that she didn’t know where to draw the line, when to say that it was too much, when to give out and ask for mercy. Either way, whatever reason, the whole night had left her feeling like a wreck. Both body and mind. And as the sun was coming up and she was just _coming_ ; Everything overflowed.

While still rolling her hips above Maca’s face, she started to cry. Not cry out like she had done for hours on end during this night, no, this was just normal, tired and sad kind of crying.

Of course, she did it in silence and unnoticeably. But the tears still came in torrents; they washed her sweaty face and ran down to her neck and chest, like they were supposed to clean her skin and erase the fathom feeling of Maca’s touch, her kiss and the claim that she had left on every inch of Zulema’s body.

She continued to ride Maca’s face, she did it until the orgasm finally hit completely and rendered her to a heaving, quavering mess. She could feel an state of pure ecstasy taking over her. It erupted between her thighs and it came up through her spine, making her freeze.

She fell forward but pushed her hands against the mattress to keep herself up. Her arms were trembling and so was the rest of her. the moans that fell from her lips were unstoppable, they needed to be heard, Maca needed to know how fantastic she was.

Zulema couldn’t handle one more second of it though. With every new motion of Maca’s tongue over her body, she felt like she was splitting in half. She just lacked the strength to tell her partner to stop or to move away from her, so she just endured the sweet torture as best as she could. She felt her heart racing and beating on her throat as Maca seemed to be having a whole meal out of her pussy. She cried out in hushed whispered moans and wrapped her hands around the sheets with as much strength as she still had in her.

Maca lapped every ounce of arousal that came from the brunette’s core, and made sure to penetrate the woman with her tongue to collect the last bit of nectar directly from the source. She knew that it was too much, it was too much for her too, but she just couldn’t stop, not until she got every drop.

Her body was trembling just as Zulema was, she felt that her strength had left her too. She just couldn’t quit yet, she was too afraid to. She didn’t know what would happen once they were done, and it terrified her.

“Maca.. please.. enough” Zulema managed to breathe it out; she had to, or she would most certainly die of an heart attack provided by the blonde’s skilled tongue.

Maca stopped then. She detached her lips from the brunette and already missed the sweet taste of her. The blonde could see that Zulema was in no conditions of making any movements by herself, so she used her grip on the woman’s shaking thighs and helped her out of the position.

Zulema moved until her legs weren’t gripping both sides of Maca’s face anymore, but she couldn’t move much more than that, not with how shaky, and even a bit disoriented, she was. She stood kneeling in the bed while waves of aftershock ran through her body, she closed her eyes and felt the pleasure crawling in her, she could feel it even in her bones. She jumped a little when she felt Maca’s lips on her shoulder, but quickly leaned back for more.

Maca’s arms surrounded her as if she was made of china porcelain and had to be held with caution; Zulema never felt as good as she did right then. The blonde kissed her shoulder, her neck, her cheeks, then her lips when she couldn’t help herself but to seek out for Maca's chaste kisses. They met calmly and lazily.

Maca tasted like her now, she really liked that.

The first rays of sunshine started to break through the windows of the RV and the scene looked like it was out of a movie. They were both blowing with sweat and still slightly shaking with pleasure that resonated through their veins.

Maca had one arm wrapped around Zulema, with her palm lying flat against the brunette’s stomach, they were both sitting on their legs, with Zulema’s back pressed flush against Maca’s front and their lips colliding against the other. They stopped kissing only when they needed to look, to let their eyes run over the other’s features and reassure their minds that this was indeed real. In between those searching glares, Maca would place feather light kisses to different places on Zulema’s skin.

Their bodies bathed in sunlight, and clarity had taken the space that was previously occupied by darkness. Zulema’s eyes had never been so green, Maca thought.

“Come on” The blonde whispered after kissing her again. She moved from their position and delicately helped the brunette to lie down.

Zulema groaned when her back hit the soft mattress and her aching bones finally found rest. Maca dropped down beside her, with one arm bent and resting above her head, and her eyes glued to the constellation that she had painted in the ceiling of the RV. She smiled at the memory of when she created that.

Zulema’s body was turned towards Maca and her eyes glowed with affection for the woman. She couldn’t help but smile at the soft chuckle that escaped from Maca.

“De que te ríes?” She questioned. The air felt so light and easy around them, it didn’t felt as she feared that it would at all. It was just them. Of course, they had added the nudity and multiple orgasms to it, but still, it was just them, and Zulema was thankful.

“Do you remember when I did that?” Maca asked with a smile on her face and one hand pointing up to the art, _if it could even be called that._

“Joder, do I?” Zulema chuckled and so did Maca. The blonde turned her face to look at the brunette and they just smiled at one another.

“We have fun, no?” Maca asked, though it was more of a statement than it was a question.

“uhmhum” Zulema hummed in agreement. The memory of Maca being high as a kite and wanting to do body-painting on her, flashed through her mind like It had just happened.

_“Come on! I’ve gotten really good with my art! I could do a big red scorpion of your back and.. I don’t know, a galaxy on your stomach?” Maca suggested, she wasn’t that high, she was just amusing herself and her partner._

_“Joder, tia..” Zulema chuckled and shook her head. She didn’t say yes or no because she thought that she didn’t have to, it was obvious what her answer would be. She just drank her glass of water and then moved until she reached the bed and could fall down on it._

_She laid down with her feet resting against the wall and her head hanging from the bed, the angle made the drinks that she had early go up to her head in one second. Things seem brighter and the dancing blonde seemed like a dream._

_In a blink Maca was in front of her, crouching to be at the same height as her and looking deep into her eyes while smiling. Zulema felt her heart skip a beat and her body grow hot._

_“You’re so uptight, why can’t I paint on you?” Maca asked, her head hanging just above the brunette. It would be so easy to kiss her right then._

_Zulema smiled automatically at seeing the expression of happiness on Maca’s face. She couldn’t handle the proximity of the woman, but at the same time she wanted her to get even closer._

_“You’re embarrassed of being naked in front of me?” Maca wondered and Zulema’s smile slowly dropped._

_The brunette felt her nipples go hard and knew that she had to get away from that position and from the blonde. It was just too tempting to let her get that close, just too easy to reach out and... “You’re too high, quit with the questions”_

_She got up and moved away, to the kitchen, where she poured herself a shot of tequila and downed it in a second. It went straight south and she realized the mistake she’d made._

_‘Joder. Do not drink fuel If you’re already on fire, Zulema.’ She thought._

_“Vale, I’ll paint the ceiling then.. and maybe one day you’ll move past the embarrassment, no?” Maca smiled, getting what she needed to start the mess that would take them two days to clean up._

_Her shorts were almost as small as a piece of underwear, and her blouse had almost all its buttons undone, the fabric kept going up every time that the blonde lifted her arms to apply color to the ceiling. It was making Zulema’s body come alive in the way that only the blonde seemed to do nowadays. She turned away and closed her eyes for a second._

_“At least I hope that you will” The blonde completed and Zulema gripped the counter to keep from turning around and going towards her. Maca smiled when she saw Zulema straightening her back and the muscles on her arms slightly constrict._

_She did enjoy those games a little too much._

“What do we do now?” Zulema whispered. her heart was beating normally again, her hands and feet were growing cold once more. The memories weren’t enough to keep her, Maca’s body wasn’t enough to warm her. but she tried, tried to be different, tried to be braver, more connected, less of a fleeing risk.

“Now we live” Maca answered. She felt the same weight as Zulema did, their pain was the same, and their fears were joined. But she tried too, she didn’t want to be a coward, not after everything.

“Like this?” Zulema looked at their naked bodies, now steady and almost dried, having their silhouettes highlighted by the easy morning light, she wondered if it could really be, if it was really possible to live like this, to exist within such sacred beauty.

“Yeah.. like this” Maca whispered in her tired voice. Her eyes were getting heavy and her breathing was getting calmer, the nice gleam of the yellow sun reflecting all around their home and the warmth of Zulema’s naked body laying just by her side, made her feel like she was living one step away from heaven. That is, if she wasn’t there already.

Zulema watched quietly as Maca tried to fight off the sleep that was taking possession of her mind.

The blonde tried to keep her eyes open, but it took too much effort and she just ended up closing them again. After a second of fighting off the exhaustion on her body, she turned her head slightly to the side, with her eyes still closed, and she smiled at Zulema.

“Can we rest now, or are you ready for round two?” She whispered. The brunette offered a bright smile to her, and even though she had her eyes closed she was able to see it, because she felt herself smiling automatically along with the woman, just like she always did.

“Bueno, pues vamos a dormir” Maca nodded. She was so tired that she couldn’t think about anything other than sleeping for at least the next eight hours. She turned her head to face the ceiling again and allowed sleep to quickly take her under.

Zulema watched the blonde with care and curiosity, the woman looked angelic and innocent. She didn’t look at all like the one who was constantly defying Zulema, not at all like the one who looked so powerful and assertive with a gun in her hand, no, she looked like a dream. 

The brunette listened carefully, waiting for the whistling sound that the blonde would let out just when she reached the state of heavily sleep where she wouldn’t wake up for just about anything. She heard it after a few minutes and she reached down to pull some light covers over them. She covered Maca and watched her through somewhat wide eyes, waiting to see if the blonde would react in any way. When the woman didn’t move at all, she finally felt safe, brave enough to lean down and lay her head against her naked chest.

Zulema reached for Maca’s arm and adjusted herself until she was lying inside of the woman’s embrace. Maca automatically tightened her grip around Zulema and turned her body to hold her closer. She always did that whenever Zulema’s body searched for hers in the night, even when she was deeply asleep.

The brunette felt safe when the blonde held her like that, she would not admit it of course, but being held by Maca was by far the most secure and conformable thing that her body had ever felt. That’s why she craved it, that’s why she went in search of it night after night.

She didn’t close her eyes and gave in to sleep like the Maca had, she couldn’t. Her mind was racing with too many thoughts and her heart started beating wildly again, it was impossible to even consider something like resting. She just kept her eyes wide open, watching the rays of sunshine grow stronger and bigger, possessing more space with each passing minute.

Soon the RV would be as hot as an oven, like it always was just as the clock came close to hitting eleven, and soon the spell would be broken. Things would surely go back to being imperfect and feelings would definitely go back to being unbearable, the heavenly atmosphere would disappear like it was meant to from the beginning. But not now, not just yet.

Now she was still naked and lying her head where she could hear Macarena’s heartbeat, now her body was still withering with the remaining traces of the amazing peaks that she’d hit during the night, right now her fingers could still reach and outline Maca’s skin. And she did, she traced her fingertips over the blonde’s warm and soft skin and she listened to her heartbeat, and she felt her there, and she smelled her all around the place, and heard her soft breathing, and it was all that she ever needed, all that she had ever wanted. It was overwhelming and at the same time, it was just enough.

After an hour of quiet existence, of passively observing and feeling the things that shone all around her, she finally fell asleep. Not daring to move an inch from her position and enjoying each one of the flashbacks that invaded her dreams.


	5. Chapter Five.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Background music: ‘Downtown’ by Majical cloudz.
> 
> To the ones who made it this far ♡♡
> 
> leave a comment when you're done!
> 
> Hope you enjoy.

> _And if suddenly I die, I hope they will say_
> 
> _that she was obsessed, and it was ok._
> 
> * * *

Maca woke up feeling dizzy and out of place, the caravan was illuminated by orange light that let her know what time of the day it should be by then, and Zulema’s body was replaced by a big pillow. The brunette wasn’t anywhere within her sight and she immediately felt her heart skip a beat.

She ran her hands through her face and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes before getting up from the bed. She looked down and only then noticed that she was still naked. She found a pair of underwear that was just in plain sight over one of the drawers by the side of the bed, and she stepped onto it. She should at least put on a bra as well before going to walk about, but she just didn’t feel like it.

She could see that Zulema wasn’t in the bathroom but the key to the car was still there. ‘ _So she didn’t leave, good.’_

She walked to the door and pushed it open; Zulema wasn’t anywhere to be seen. ‘ _The roof.’_ She remembered and so she stepped outside and climbed the small stairs to get to the top of the RV. Zulema was sitting there, smoking and looking out to the horizon. Maca smiled and felt the fear that had made its way into her mind finally dissipate.

Zulema looked to her side when she heard the blonde coming on. The woman had only a pair of white underwear on, and she couldn’t help but smirk at that view.

Maca smirked back and Zulema could feel her head spin from just looking at her.

The younger woman sat down beside the brunette and tilted her head to the side to watch her. Zulema matched the move and they stared at one another. Maca was the first to smile. Zulema tried to bit her lip and stop herself but she offered the same smirk that the blonde had, before shaking her head and turning away.

She twisted herself a little to reach for something, then, turned to look back at the blonde.

“There” She threw a small bottle at Maca’s lap.

The blonde looked down and took the flask, and offered it back to Zulema. The brunette raised her eyebrows and didn’t took Maca’s offer.

“Here, put it back to where it was.” Maca encouraged. “I’m going to go down in a minute to take a shower. no need to get even more sticky before I do it” She completed and Zulema growled at her.

“Just use the fucking thing, Rubia” Zulema said, referring to the sunscreen that Maca seemed to be reluctant about. The blonde rolled her eyes, and she shook her head. “Your skin is sensitive and the sun it hitting you directly. Don’t you know that doctors do not recommend sunbathing during these hours of the day?” Zulema continued and Maca couldn’t help but laugh.

“We do armed robberies for a living and you’re worrying about the effects of the sun on my skin?” She chuckled. Zulema raised her eyebrows and exhaled in a way that said _‘just fucking use the thing already.’_

“Fine, I’ll get sticky” The blonde nodded and applied the thick cream on every inch of skin that she could reach. It made her shine. Zulema watched her and had a fleeting flashback of their bodies glowing and moving against each other. It caused a burning feeling to alight at the pit of her stomach. She looked away before she got lost in it.

Maca reached in the small table that they kept between the chairs and took out a cigarette, she looked for the lighter for a couple of seconds and was just about to get really irritated by the thought that, _once again_ , one of them had forgotten to put it back on the table and taken it down to the caravan with them.

“Here” Zulema took the lighter from her pocket and offered to Maca before the woman got really frustrated with her searching.

Maca smiled and took the lighter from the brunette, quickly lightning her cigarette and taking a deep drag from it “Thank you” She said and trusted the silver thing back to Zulema.

  
The brunette didn't answer, she just took a cigarette for herself and lit it to accompany the blonde. They leaned against the chair and looked at each other.

_‘What are you thinking?’_

_‘You tell me, first.’_

“Did you eat?” Zulema asked instead.

Maca shook her head in the negative. “No, you made something?”

“Pasta and sauce” the brunette nodded. Maca answered with a ‘uhm’ and they were silent again.

They smoked their cigarettes without any further exchange, they needed to think, and they both needed some time to assimilate all that had happened.

Maca was done first and since she couldn’t handle the sticky feeling on her body for a second longer, she got up and decided to go take a shower.

“I’m going down” She announced. Zulema looked up at the blonde, standing beneath the hard sun with only white cotton panties to stop her from being completely naked, and she had to swallow hard to not choke on the smoke that she had just inhaled.

“Vale” the brunette answered through her husky voice. Maca nodded and went towards the stairs. Just as she was about to climb down, she stopped and looked at Zulema again.

“Zulema..” The brunette pushed her body forwards in her chair and looked at the blonde “We need to talk about things.. Don’t think that you’re escaping that” Maca warned, there was a bit of teasing in her voice, but they did not matched her eyes at all.

Zulema raised her eyebrows in the ‘sure, whatever’ way that she always did and nodded. She was terrified.

“Don’t you want to come down now? It’s awfully hot in here, no?” Maca offered. She raised one hand to provide shade for her eyes and looked at Zulema.

A single drip of sweat caught Zulema’s attention, it formed at Maca’s neck and it ran all its way down to her breast, stopping at her nipple and staying still for a second or two until it fell down to the floor

_“Fucking. Move” Maca encouraged through gritted teeth._

Zulema straightened her back and closed her legs, trying to be as discrete as possible.

“I’m good.. I’ll go down in a second” The brunette answered and Maca nodded before finally going away and leaving Zulema alone with her thoughts again..

The sun was strong and unforgiving, there wasn’t enough wind to be comfortable outside, and she was just wearing too many clothes to withstand the heat. But she didn’t want to go down, she didn’t want to get inside of the caravan and see the blonde there. She didn’t want to sit in the bed, she didn’t want to see the messy sheets nor the discarded pieces of clothing that were still lying on the floor. Not because she didn’t want to think about what they did or remember every and each way that the blonde had made her feel like she was floating above the clouds, using only the tips of her fingers and her skilled tongue to do so. Not because she didn’t want to see the flashbacks of Maca laid out naked and shaking beneath her. No, not because of that. But because she was petrified, afraid of what it all meant, of how they would live now, what next step they would be forced to take from there.

She feared entering their home and being met with questions that she wouldn’t know the answers to. She didn’t want to get any kind of ultimatums and she couldn’t bear to be asked what she wanted, what she expected. Most of all she didn’t want to be asked what she was feeling, because that, she couldn’t answer even to herself.

Too much had happened in not enough time, they went through too many emotions and they let everything explode in bed, in sex, in desire and cravings. Now she didn’t know what to do, she had no idea on how to face this, how to act, how to seem as unfazed as Maca did.

So she stayed on the roof, she smoked almost a pack of cigarettes and she watched as the sun bathed and burned everything beneath it. She stayed still, and quietly observed as the day started to fade and the skies turned pink, and orange, and yellow, while the sun began to set and finally offer her the shielding that the nighttime has always been able to provide.

She knew that avoidance wouldn’t solve anything; the mess that they made would still be there when she decided to be brave enough to face it. she just couldn’t go down yet.

The daylight was almost completely gone, and the darkness started to make its way all around her. The air was cooler; it allowed her to breathe in without feeling like she was setting fire to her lungs.

There was a quiet and deep silence around the place that seemed to be screaming directing in her ears. She closed her eyes and pursed her lips. She couldn’t hide in plain sight for longer, the blonde didn’t seem to want to escape, and she should be grateful for that, maybe not act like a fucking baby.

But the truth was, Zulema was almost more afraid of what it meant for the woman to stay, then what it would mean if she left.

She’d been alone through her entire life, surrounded by people, closely watched by anyone who had any sort of self-protection instincts, but always alone. That had never been a problem for her, and it still wouldn’t be. But it was that word, that feeling, _the one that kept dancing through last night’s air,_ that scared her to death and made her feel like a defenseless child or a cornered wild animal.

It was Love that made her frightened like nothing else ever had.

 _That_ she didn’t know what to do with, _that_ wasn’t something that she was prepared to handle. It wasn’t what she was born into, it wasn’t what she knew, and it wasn’t what her entire life had been about.

She knew that that's the name for what she felt towards the blonde, she’d known it for a while now, probably ever since the washing machine incident. But she never thought, never even considered that Maca could one day feel the same, or that she would be so damn transparent about it. And now that she did, it just didn’t seem true, it didn’t feel the way that she supposed that it should feel. It felt too strange, too disconcerting.

She didn’t pretend to understand it at all, it was too much. To think that she, Zulema Zahir, was worthy of being loved by someone who wasn’t looking at her through colored glasses nor pointing at every way that she was flawed while hitting her with every regret that she had, was completely out of her comfort zone.

Maca was still a good one; she had that _deep down_ thing that people talked about, that thing that enables them to look past someone’s mistake because, fundamentally, they’re a good person who just made some bad choices in life.

The blonde was one of those people who wanted to always do the right thing and felt deceived and hurt whenever she had to choose to do something that wasn’t morally correct.

It was because she knew Maca so well and so deeply understood her values, that everything became so much more difficult for her to understand; when the blonde said that this was a marriage of convenience that would at some point end, that was perfectly clear and understandable to her, it hurt, but she understood, now, when she showed her love, when she chose to stay and to try, to want Zulema, to need her, that’s when everything came crushing down and became one inexplicable mess in her brain.

And now she had to face it, now she had to pick at the shattered pieces without cutting herself with it.

“Fuck” She cursed, running her hand through her hair. She got up from her chair and stretched her body before she finally committed to going down to the caravan. With every step that she took her legs grew weaker, felt more unstable. Her hands started to sweat and her heart felt compressed again.

She jumped the last two steps and was finally on the ground. The place was quiet and seemed almost empty. Her anxiety grew tremendously as she made her way to the door and looked inside.

She closed her eyes and exhaled when she saw the blonde sitting by the table, painting her toenails. She hadn’t left yet, she looked way too comfortable to have even considered the idea.

“Glad you decided to join me” Maca said without looking up. She could feel Zulema, lurking around just out of her sight.

The brunette cleared her throat and stepped inside the RV. She looked around when she noticed that the whole place was tightly cleaned up and not one thing could be found in disorder.

Maca looked at the older woman and smiled. “I had to clean up, waiting for you to come down was giving me too much anxiety. So I cleaned things up.” She explained. The brunette furrowed her eyebrows and continued to look around for something that hadn’t been done properly.

“Don’t act so surprised. You’re not the only one who ever does house-keeping” Maca completed.

“Of course I am” Zulema answered, without missing a beat nor offering any facial expression. Maca snickered.

“Well?” The blonde asked then, putting away her nail polish and looking up at Zulema with wide eyes. “Are you ready to eat?”

_“oooooohhhh. Eat me, rubia. Fucking eat me, don’t stooopp!”Zulema cried frantically while sitting on Maca’s face._

The brunette could feel her cheeks and chest burning up while the blonde was still looking at her and waiting for an answer.

“Claro” She confirmed. Maca promptly got up from her seat and moved towards the kitchen. She looked back at Zulema and motioned with her hand to let the woman know that she should sit down.

Zulema did as instructed and awkwardly sat by the table, not knowing what to do with her hands or with herself.

Maca filled a plate with food and moved back to the table, offering the plate to Zulema. The brunette took it with a suspicious and confused look on her face. She wrapped some pasta around her fork, but glanced at Maca, who was still watching her, before finally eating it.

“Stop acting like this is strange” Maca smiled. She sat down again and took her nail polish to now paint her fingernails. She didn’t really wanted to do it, but she didn’t want to be openly staring at Zulema either, and to avoid that, she needed a distraction.

“It is strange. You’re looking like you came from the fifties suburbs right now” Zulema mumbled. She looked down to her plate and focused on eating.

“Fuck off.” Maca teasingly replied. “We always do this.. you cook, I serve and do the dishes.. it’s our deal” she nodded. Zulema looked up and shook her head in denial.

“I cook, You serve _yourself,_ wash the pans and _your own plate and utensils_.” Zulema corrected. Maca looked at her and exhale tiredly.

“Can you just accept something nice?” The blonde breathed out and Zulema shrugged.

The brunette knew that there were hard feelings waiting to be turned into words and thrown against each other; she could heard it in Maca’s tone. So for now, she would take whatever kind of nice that she could get.

“Did you like it?” Zulema asked, looking down at the plate of pasta, sauce and broccoli with sour cream.

“Perfecto. Como siempre” Maca nodded.

They didn’t have any other light conversation to make, so they waited in silence for the right moment. Zulema swallowed the bites of food like she was swallowing barbwire, her body was getting ready to be attacked and so everything was closing up.

At some point she realized that trying to eat the thing was making her sick and it would take forever to finish, so she pushed the plate away and looked deep into Maca’s eyes.

“You first” She said, and Maca nodded.

They took a deep breath and Zulema tried to not get defensive about it.

“I don’t regret what happened, I don’t want to leave and I don’t want you to push me away. I want to be with you for the rest of our lives” Maca put it out there, not an ounce of doubt could be heard in her voice and not one bit of fear. It betrayed the way that she doubted everything and her fear grew with every passing second that the brunette didn’t answer.

“I don’t want you to be with me for the rest of our lives.” Zulema shook her head. In her brain it sounded way more delicate than it did when she said it, it had a lot more principles than her words conveyed.

She didn’t want the same as Maca because the blonde had been saying for months now that she was tired of this life, that she needed to go and built something different for herself, something normal. And Zulema would never do normal, she would never be any different, and when her time came, it wouldn’t be of old age, it wouldn’t be peacefully by a lake house or something; it would be with her heart pumping with adrenaline, her eyes fierce and her voice as loud as a roar, with guns and violence all around, she would go young and guapissima, none of that grey skin and white hair bullshit. Maca had a different idea, a different goal.

But if the blonde stayed that was what she would be choosing, either she realized it or not.

Zulema just didn’t want that for her, she deserved better, she deserved more than that.

Maca felt her heart skip a beat and her lungs stop working for a second or too.

“You do want it, you told me. I felt it” She shook her head. She didn’t want to take this into a dark side, she didn’t want messy or ugly. Needy or pushy was not who they were, but damn it if it didn’t made her want to scream when the brunette said things like that.

“I’m not responsible for the things that you hear and feel, Rubia. Im only responsible for what I say and what _I_ feel.” Zulema shrugged.

“And I didn’t tell you that I wanted you for the rest of my life, you got to that conclusion all on your own. Don’t throw it at me now” she stated.

Maca looked away, to the barely opened window that offered a halfway view of the grass and the endless darkening horizon. 

“I know that that’s what you want from me, but I can’t offer it to you. I don’t want you to be here doing this, I want you to want more for your life. I want you to get what you deserve, not the trash that life has been throwing at you for years now.” The brunette completed.

“You’re not trash, Zulema” Maca tiredly corrected, still looking out the window.

“No, I know am not. That’s not what I meant.. but we have to admit that I’m not great either” She nodded, looking out through the same window as Maca. “And you.. you deserve great, Maca.” Zulema tried to do this as clean as possible. She spent a long time under the unyielding sun, thinking about what would come of them, what she needed to do, what would be the selfless thing, the correct thing to do.

The only answer that was offered to her was to give up on the one that she loved, before she ruined both of them.

To be unhappy so that someone else could have what they wanted, what they honestly deserve, seemed to be about the only right thing that she could do, how cruel.

“You’re not being selfless, you’re being a coward again.” Maca answered as If she had just read Zulema’s mind.

The hurt that she felt made her angry. The fear that she could sense from Zulema made her sad.

“What are you _so_ afraid of?” Maca intently watched the brunette. “of getting your heart broken?” Maca wondered.

Zulema chuckled bitterly and shook her head. “I had my heart broken a million times, Maca. You have broken my heart before, I wouldn’t fear it now. I know how it feels and I would survive" She answered and Maca felt the tears gathering in her eyes.

“Anyone who’s brave enough to live has gotten their heart broken. I did too. You broke my heart too" the blonde added.

Zulema watched the woman but couldn’t bring herself to say anything.

“Loving people hurts, you can get your heart shattered into a million pieces, it can be the biggest mistake to let other people in.. but it was heartbreak, _it was one huge mistake_ that made me who I am today, that made me meet you. And for all of the hurt and pain that I gathered along the way, I wouldn’t change things. I like who I am now, even with all of the scars, I’m ok" Maca nodded.

Zulema bit her lower lip and looked away, trying to keep her tears at bay. She didn’t feel the way that Maca did about things, she didn’t feel ok. She felt broken, tired, she felt like she had more than she could take and she had lost more than she could bear along the way.

“And you’re ok too, you just don’t know it yet”.

Zulema bit her lower lip and offered a pained smile as her tears spilled from her eyes.

“I don’t know that I can give you what you want” she whispered, finally looking up to meet Maca’s eyes “I don’t think I can be what you want.” She settled.

“But you are what I want. I just want you" Maca frowned. She leaned forward and took Zulema’s hand against her own. “Just tell me that you want me too” she pleaded. She needed to be sure, she couldn’t risk it all if she was alone in those feelings.

Zulema looked at their connected hands and then to her partners face. She took a deep breath and exhaled. All of the resolutions and decisions that she found out there in the roof crumbled within minutes of being in the same space as Maca. Doing the right thing be damned, she wanted to be happy.

“like I never wanted anyone or anything in my life”

Maca smiled, her eyes filled with tears. This time she didn’t want to hide them, they weren’t the bad kind.

“Then, can we just..be?” She questioned. Her eyes full with hope and tenderness. She wanted this to work more than anything else.

Zulema frowned and nodded, passionately. Yes they could, they had to, it was her last chance, the last shot that she would ever get on figuring out what happiness felt like. “We can try" she whispered.

“So we will try” Maca nodded in the same reaffirming way that the brunette had.

She got up from her seat and moved until she was standing in front of Zulema.

The brunette automatically set both hands on either side of the blonde’s hips and looked up at her. Their eyes begged for the same thing. ‘ _let us not destroy each other’_

Maca leaned down and kissed Zulema. The brunette kissed her back with the same intensity.

Zulema got up from her seat and they kissed all the way into bed, fell into it and adjusted themselves until they were laying in front of each other, with their faces just inches from touching.

“Its already night again. I feel like I woke up five minutes ago” Maca slightly smiled. It wasn’t really nighttime but it was dark enough that the Christmas lights went back to being their only source of light to see things clearly. “I really slept throughout the whole day didn’t I?”

“Uhmhum” Zulema confirmed. They looked at each other, they saw each other.

“I love you” Maca said.

“I don’t know that I would’ve survived if you hadn’t returned last night" Zulema finally let that brutal truth crawl out through her closed up throat. She couldn’t say the words as clear and objective as the blonde had. She hoped that her confession would be enough.

Maca smiled. It was.

She touched Zulema’s face like she like she had done once before and had wanted to do it again ever since. Zulema watched Maca, and her body was so filled with contentment that she couldn’t even feel the weight of life trying to suffocate her, like she had always felt ever since she was a child; now Maca filled all of her, the blonde didn’t leave enough space to be occupied by anything that wasn’t her.

It felt easier to breathe and just exist right then..

They undressed each other and they fucked for a couple of hours. They made one another cry out in the most beautiful ways and when they were done, they stared at each like they couldn’t get enough. There was no storm this time, only them and some heartfelt emotions.

By morning Zulema was the first to wake up. She took a shower and when she got out of the bathroom the blonde was setting breakfast at their small table. She smiled at the scene and just watched it for a second. When Maca noticed her, she turned around and offered the most beautiful smile that Zulema had ever seen.

They ate pancakes and strawberries while they made plans for the next robbery, something big, something that would excite them.

They settled for a big jewelry store that had a dozen of security guards downtown. It was risky, and so it was perfect.

They smirked and looked at one another like they shared one brain.

Was this what happiness was all about? Is that why people looked for it with such passion? The brunette wondered.

Yes, she figured that it probably was..

Zulema got dressed, but not before Maca made her come loudly, standing against the wall and with one leg draped across the shoulder of the beautiful blonde kneeling on the floor.

She kissed her goodbye and promised to not forget to bring orange juice and apples, because it was their favorite and they were out.

Just before she stepped out of the caravan Maca asked her if she could maybe get some sleeping pills in her doctor’s appointment. She said that she would try, because she knew how much the blonde struggled with her insomnia, though for the last couple of nights she had slept like a baby.

Maca waved her goodbye from the door, her body covered only by cream-colored sheets that just made her look like a Greek goddess.

When Zulema got to the doctor he asked for a few strange exams. She had to wait for a couple of hours if she wanted to get the results in the same day. She did.

She waited outside with a cigarette on her hand and a concerned look on her face. The man came out to meet her there and confirm to her what she could already tell by the exams that he had ordered and by the desolation that had creeped up in her skin and bones.

Cancer he said. A few months to live, at best.

She finished her cigarette and she went back to her car. She hit she road and she drove without a destiny. By her side at the passenger seat there was the orange juice and apples that the blonde had asked for.

By the first gas station that she stopped at, she threw them in the garbage.

She didn’t go back to give the drink and fruits that the blonde wanted, she didn’t go back to make the woman come like she'd said that she would, she didn’t turn around and tried to keep her promise to not break them.

She drove off, so that Maca wouldn’t have to watch her die, little by little, day after day, just withering away.

Maca started to look for the brunette as soon as night came and she realized that she wasn’t coming back. She watched the news, she contacted her ins to see if maybe she got recognized and caught by the police but thankfully she hadn’t. She went to the doctor and the man confirmed that the brunette had been there, though he refused to tell her what really happened.

She spent months looking, but Zulema had disappeared as if she had never existed at all. After a while she gave up, she moved on. She had enough money to start new somewhere else and she did. She went to Morocco, and she found a job and a house close by the water. She never found another home though.

She took her heartbreak and turned it into something that she could live with.

In a night of regret, sorrow and a lot of drinks, she had sex with a faceless stranger and she got pregnant. She was happy about it, she was given a second chance.

She didn’t heard anything about the brunette for another five months, she didn’t even want to. But at one evening Saray called her. she had no idea how the gitana found her number, but she called her and told her the place and the time, for Zulema’s funeral.

She didn’t cry, she couldn’t, her soul was too numb for it.

She got there and it was raining, Saray left her alone to say goodbye in private. She touched Zulema’s face in the way that she always did; it felt too cold to withstand. She watched the woman that she loved be put away in a wall of corpses and she had no tears to cry.

She went back to her house and she just slept for almost a entire month, then she got back on her feet and went back to her life.

After a few months she gave birth to a girl, one that made something awake inside of her, that made her feel like she wasn’t alone anymore.

She called her Amnati, because Zulema once told her that that’s what she would have named her own daughter, had she been given the chance to be the mother that she wanted to be.

From then on Maca just, _was_.


End file.
